Acceptance

As some (all?) of you may know, I love art, music, dance, expression, creativity, etc. I would definitely classify myself into the category of "artsy" people, however, I have always denied identifying myself as an "artist." Things are changing for the better.

In October, I started going to counseling. First of all, I think everyone can benefit from an outside objective voice in their lives. Secondly, and more personally, I like/need to talk things out with people, and I find that she is a great support and outlet for me since there aren't an abundance of people around me 24/7 to listen to me process life. Sometimes I feel like she isn't 100% on board with what I am saying since she is a new friend who isn't constantly a part of my life, but it is good for me to practice explaining everything without having expectations that the other person will understand my context. People generally can't read my mind, and sometimes I treat my closest loved ones as though they should be able to... Anyway, she suggested that I start reading/studying this self-help sort of book called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. I have to admit, the book is sometimes a little "broad" spiritually, and it makes me work a lot and think a little, but I have gotten some really valuable things out of studying the book so far.

I am only in my second week of study, but I am now able to declare that I am an artist, despite my lack of training in visual art. I am a writer, even if I have never sold a novel. I am a dancer because I dance (duh). I am a musician-- I write music, and it's actually good. It's not good because I judge it according to specific academic criteria necessarily (although, I definitely have my standards being a trained musician), but it is good because I created it and creating things is good. God created the universe and declared it good-- I believe he was excited not only about the product, but also that he created it himself. We are made in God's image and are meant to see creativity in the same light. Our skills can always improve. Our conceptual frameworks will always morph. Letting go of expectations or standards and letting ourselves create is the big battle, but once we allow ourselves to do so and can see that there is worth in practicing creativity, then we are paving the way for our skills to improve and our creative concepts to form more solidly. We start to feel motivated... inspired, even.

Creating things takes energy, concentration, focus, planning, awareness, practice, and most of all it takes rest. God rested on the seventh day. As cliche as that seems, it is a legitimate model for creative people. Have you ever tried just pushing through a writer's block or cutting and pasting through a crafter's block? Generally the results are things you throw away or things you resent. I must rest when I am feeling unmotivated or inspired. I must recharge and refill. I must change my environment and my routine, sit in Starbucks, read a book, take a drive or walk-- fill my life with new images, new people, new sounds, new smells and tastes, new conversations. My inspiration comes when I am not creating.

I'm sure I will be learning more on my journey of "creative healing," but I wanted to take a moment and celebrate my true personal accomplishment of being able to accept and declare the fact that I am an artist. God created you and me, and we are to create to reflect His image to those around us. Living in fear of that creativity is living against God's intentions and will for his people. Take a risk and explore your creativity this week. Send me a copy of whatever you do so I can enjoy it, too! :)

Ecclectic Evening Post

This post, similarly to my last post, is one of little continuity and form. I like it that way. Here are some things that have been speaking to my heart:

1. I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day moment when I was subbing in a Kindergarten classroom on Monday. Mostly all of the students had made little paper bags for their "mailboxes" and brought in valentines to share with their classmates. One little boy wasn't there the day they had made the bags, so I gave him a plastic bag to use. Since his bag wasn't put out on display like everyone else's, I think that his valentines got put either into random bags or thrown away. He ended up with only about three valentines in his bag. Later in the afternoon, we had a time to dump out the valentines and look at all of them, and I was teasing the kids because I hadn't gotten any valentines. That same little boy heard me say, "Well, where's my valentines? Don't I get a valentine from anyone?" and he came over and handed me one of his. He said, in the sweetest little voice, "Here, I kept this one safe for you." My heart melted, and I even felt a bit guilty because I obviously hadn't been serious in my request for a valentine.

Out of the little he had, he gave much. It was a true-blue demonstration of real love from the sweet heart of an innocent child. So much to learn from him. ♥ ♥ ♥

2. Here are the lyrics to Sufjan Stevens's song "Enchanting Ghost" from his EP "All Delighted People" (which is located close to the very top of my favorite music of all time, by the way). He softly and tenderly sings my heartbreak into words and melody in this song. Read them while listening to this:

Tell me what you saw in me

And I'll try to replicate it with a scene

Mm-mmm

If it troubles you to breathe

Wait a moment; I could change the scenery

Don't carry on carrying efforts, no no, oh oh oh oh

Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow

And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh

Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

Mm-mmm

It's only that I meant to bring
Love and liveliness to your breast on the scene
Mm-mmm
Did you cut your hands on me?
Are my edges sharp? Am I pest to feed?

Don't carry on carrying regrets, oh no oh oh oh
Somewhere there's a room for us to speak alone
And if it grieves you to stay here, just go, oh oh oh oh
For I have no spell on you, it's all a ghost
Mm-mmm

I still have the things you gave me
Four anointing oils, the paper weight you made
Mm-mmm
For sure I haven't carried them
Or buried them in the name of your ghost, my friend

Don't carry on carrying efforts: Don't go! No oh oh oh
Stay with me until I sleep within your host
Or if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh
Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost
Mm-mmm

3. I just wanted to publicly declare that I am becoming increasingly excited for my friends Jillian and Owen Pye and their cutest little baby Cash to come to Indy in about a month! Owen is preparing to drop his new album on February 22nd, and then they are all heading out to tour the country. They are making a stop here, and Owen's performing a house show in Fountain Square. I'm excited to spend time with lovely people from home who love art and music like I do. It will be a great weekend with genuinely precious people, and you should come down to Indy to see his show on March 13!

Check out Owen's music and tour details on his website and check out Jillian's lovely etsy shop and her beautiful blog,

Also, here's the recently released stop-motion music video that utilizes both Owen's talent (musical) and Jillian's talents (designing and storywriting):

4. I love that I am constantly learning about my faith and how I interact with God. Today, I read this article about some important lessons that the disciple Thomas teaches us. I found it to be a really fresh analysis of a familiar character's story. 

5. Two goals I set for myself this week are to finish my knitted blanket by hand-sewing some pom-pom trim on it and to invest in one or two board games for entertaining the comp'ny. I achieved the first one today, and it felt so good to accomplish something even though I didn't go to work. A lot of times I lazy away the days that I don't sub. Not today, friends, not today!

Frozen Dayz

Okay, snow day number three-- The last time I had this many snow days was my freshman year at Taylor when it snowed like 18 inches and kept snowing. This time is far less exciting because our "snow days" are due to an unkind amount of ice that fell a few days ago. It's not that it's too nasty outside, it's just dangerous, and ice is a lot harder to remove than snow. My roommates car took a few hours of hammering and chiseling this morning before she could leave for work. I am banking on the sun to melt the ice on my car. Today there is a good chance that could happen! It's so sunny! Mmm.


So my days have consisted of a lot of web-surfing, youtube-watching, art-and-crafting, music-writing, handwriting, and now blog-writing. Today I want to share with you some of my plunder from past days. Although I love being satisfied with the things I do own, I am always adding to my wishlist of things that I could buy someday if I do get a little extra spending cash. I like surrounding myself with beautiful things, what can I say? You can also browse through my Etsy favorites by taking a look at the sidebar. There's seriously some cool stuff out there.


Material Goods

These gorgeous boots are thirty buckaroos on etsy-- so affordable, so adorable, yet one size TOO SMALL. :(



This amazingly fun red-carpet-esque dress is on SALE for $54.99 on ModCloth, and I wish so much that I could wear its beautiful color. If you can, please buy it so I can see it on a body. It's seriously a piece of art.



I have this current obsession with anatomical human hearts. I know, kinda weird, but it reminds me of true love-- the messy, hard-working, real, raw, sorta ugly thing that is true love. Forget wearing your heart on your sleeve and wear it ever more securely around your neck! Love it.



I just love these handcut wooden continent puzzles. When I studied in Ireland we had to learn all the counties (like states), and we had a puzzle that we put together to help us learn it. It was the best. I hope that someday my kids can know all the countries in the world and their locations within each continent. Tall order? Not with the help of these amazing puzzles.


Who needs furniture?

I have this great desire to eventually get rid of the traditional dining room set up and get one of those tables that barely comes up off the floor and get a few of these bad boys as the seating around that table. I generally love being on the floor and notice that even when I do sit in chairs, I can't sit comfortably. Many cultures outside of the US eat this way, so why not.



This picture reminds me of when I used to dance and also Ireland. It's beautiful in every way, and I would love to have it hanging in my bedroom or something. Mostly I would love to cover the walls of any place that I dwell with artwork that is beautiful.



If it fits my weirdly shaped head then I want to wear it! I loved the slouchy look even before it was cool.

  
2 more things I hope to own soon.

America cannot fix Africa, but Americans can.

A year ago this month I was serving in Ethiopia as a visitor, learner, and teacher at a Christian mission and school in a small rural community. I served along with about 15 other students from my university, and our time there was no less than precious. The children we served and played with were beautiful, hilarious, mischievous, busy, and successful; I know that our time there empowered some children to take a glimpse at their potential future as leaders for their country and community.

One of our Ethiopian friends from that very community, who is now one of three students from that community attending our university, posted this video on facebook:


After I watched the video, my wheels began spinning, as they often do. I am thinking about how the United States in general interacts with African nations, about how Christians interact with African nations, about the things Obama said regarding interactions between the United States and African nations, and about the concerns of the African youth in the conference.

Many of the African youth are wary of trusting the United States and a potential partnership. This is understandable to me because the United States seems like it has a lot of potential for helping Africa but has not tapped into that potential. I have always thought the same thing living here. We have the potential to help so many problems in the world, protecting humanity and promoting economies. We have the potential to help the problems of our own nation, as well.

I generally refuse to engage in politics because I think they are too complicated (I could explain myself here, but it's probably best that you talk to me if you want to know more about this statement). I think that problems are best solved outside of government rule and support, outside of the complexities of political infrastructure and tradition. That being said, I think that Christian missions and humanitarian organizations (when executed well and effectively, of course--that's another discussion for another day) serve as a wonderful way for Americans to make a non-political positive impact on the issues in Africa. Being able to go over to African nations and cultures to work where they see the need and serve in ways they see beneficial is an amazing gift of peace and partnership that we can offer. The United States, as the president mentions, will always be looking out for its own interests as a nation, politically speaking, but if we get involved outside of political infrastructure it is possible to serve the interests of another nation without seeking to serve our own interests.

The president made another important point, though--the success of African nations is beneficial to the United States' interests because a blooming economy in Africa can bring a blooming economy in the United States (and the rest of the world, really). By making peaceful efforts to help African peoples, we are offering our peace as Americans and promoting the good image and intentions of our own country. African nations may be looking for the United States to declare an official, governmental partnership with their own countries, but as the president says at the end of the video, we can seek to empower the future leaders of African nations to step forward and see the impact they can make in their countries. The United States cannot fix Africa's problems, Africa must fix their own problems. The United States can stand beside African nations and see that they can be successful, but African people must rise up and meet the challenges of their own countries.

I feel honored that I was able to stand beside Ethiopians for one short month to enable and encourage some children to find strength and empowerment to lead their country in the future. I want to encourage more American Christians to invest (financially or temporally) in long-term African missions who are taking a grassroots approach in African nations to help them pursue their own interests for the sake of their own country. The American people are represented well in those efforts because it takes place outside of government infrastructure and funding; the true heart of the American people, specifically American Christians, and by association the Gospel, is being represented while Africa is being empowered. America cannot fix the problems in Africa, but Americans can. Europeans can, too. Any educated, moderately wealthy person can. In the same way, too, I believe the American government cannot fix America, but Americans as people personally giving of themselves to other people can fix America. It doesn't have to be about any nation's governmental reputation or interests. It can simply be about the interest of serving others for the sake of serving.

I believe that humility is something that God demonstrated in coming down in human form. He wanted to relate to us and show us in the most concrete way possible that he loves us. We see death as the ultimate end, so God died in order that we would be free from our worst end and stand everlasting in His love. He calls us to show the same humility to one another, bringing love in a concrete way, interceding for other humans in situations of worldly misfortune, in order that those people would experience that love and hopefully do the same for other people.

Future leader of Ethiopia.

Although this seems like it could be put into a humanistic context (ie-societies need selflessness to run smoothly, therefore we are only looking out for our own selfish interests anyway), I think that there doesn't have to be returned humility in order for godly humility to take place. After all, Jesus was mocked and killed by those He came to love. It is not a selfish or glamorous thing to love, but it is death to oneself for the purpose of promoting others. It really is a pretty backwards kind of love. People would think I was awfully crazy if I died just to show someone that I loved him or her. Why would I die simply to convince someone that I love that person? It seems like I could give up on loving that person in order to stay alive. True love is a message worth conveying, and dying to convey that message is exactly what God did for all humanity. The least we can do is relinquish our time living on earth for the good of others in hopes that our message of love is conveyed.

With My Own Two Hands

I had a little revelation the other night when I was making "Bugs on a Log," one of my favorite childhood snacks, for dinner. For those of you who don't know, Bugs on a Log consists of celery sticks with peanut butter on them and raisins stuck in the peanut butter, looking like little bugs sitting on a log. It is so good. Anyway, making "Bugs on a Log" is a pretty time consuming task because you have to spread the peanut butter in the little trenches of the celery, and the peanut butter I have is the natural kind and it's chunky, so it's really hard to spread. After spreading the peanut butter and filling the little trenches, you have to dig out some raisins and place each one in the peanut butter. I made about 6 "logs," and it took me close to 20 minutes probably. I could have cooked a real dinner in that amount of time! It seems like a bit of a waste, right? I could have delved into something much more convenient and much more filling during that time. That is missing part of the point of eating "Bugs on a Log" in the first place...making it is half the fun! I realized in this process that I love making things with my hands. This is something I have been aware of for a while now, but this process of making a whimsical children's snack reminded me of how much joy I get out of making things with my own two hands.

I got to thinking, since we have been studying Genesis in church lately, about the curse that God proclaims to Adam and Eve. Eve is given the great duty of bearing children in pain (yay) and Adam is to toil and tend to the land. God wants man to work. It's not that Adam has to work to earn anything back from God, God just needs him to keep himself busy so that maybe he has the potential for giving in to fewer distractions in life. God gave man and woman consequences to help them remember the time that they strayed from God. He wants them to remember their dependence on Him.

Now, I don't know about you, but generally I hate the fact that people have to work. I don't even really understand how our society developed into the one it is today, where someone can be working as an iPhone app developer, making a living off of a random job supporting something totally unnecessary. (That's a topic for another day, I think). I am at that point in my life where I am realizing that even though I want to spend my life doing things I want to do, I have to work in order to survive in this society, whether it's a pointless job that aligns with my worldview and life philosophy or not. That may or may not be what God had intended when he cursed Adam with work, but nonetheless, it's the truth of the matter. It's the reality in my society. In American culture I feel like it is often hard to see the purpose of work, but if I think about people living in other places, like Ethiopia, they are working truly to make a living. They grow their own food in order to eat and hopefully to sell the abundance of what they have for a variety of other things that other people might be selling. From childhood, they learn to work with their families and they spend their lives working, too, even though it may not be in order to buy a new car or flat screen TV.

Being unemployed has given me even more insight into the idea of work. I do not like sitting in my apartment doing nothing. It is not as glamorous as it seems! I am usually so bored and unmotivated. When I have work to do or a schedule to follow, I get enjoyment out of that. I feel purposeful, and honestly I just like doing things with my hands. One of my remedies to the lack of work is making work for myself. I cook usually for both lunch and dinner. I don't have a microwave, so when I mean cook, I really mean it. This has been a tremendously enjoyable activity. Not only am I using my hands and working, but I am also using my creativity, thinking about what flavors go well together, what colors would make the dish look more appetizing, and what kinds of tweaking I could do to the recipes to make them my own. It's amazingly therapeutic and a great creative outlet. As some of you know, I have been struggling with expressing myself in the ways that I normally express myself (mostly through making visual art of some kind), but I am glad to see that other outlets have been presenting themselves. Cooking, playing and writing music, writing on my blog and journaling, plus a little art-making on the side makes for a very aesthetically pleasing "work"-filled life.

Sometimes I think that creating for a living would be so satisfying, but then I remember all the times when I was really frustrated because I couldn't create anything for long amounts of time and I don't think that I would like the pressure of my livelihood standing solely on my ability to create. Being a music teacher is the outflow of my creative desires because I get to teach other people how to engage in expression and creativity without having to exhaust myself by creating and expressing my own ideas and feelings on demand.

When I do get a job, the balance between all of those creative processes will have to look a bit different, although I know I will never stop doing those things completely. I'm really okay with that, as expressing myself all the time can sometimes make me feel crazy. Focused self-awareness and expression, although needed, can become daunting and exhausting tasks. Having some other mindless tasks or even tasks that take the focus away from myself will bring the needed balance to my life, not to mention that every Christian in the world who feels they are living the most purposeful life feels that from serving others and not just themselves. The most interesting thing to me, though, is that no matter the circumstances or motives, I always feel the need to be doing something active, measurable, and purposeful with myself, whether I am earning a living from that work or not. We were cursed to toil, and toil we must.