This post, similarly to my last post, is one of little continuity and form. I like it that way. Here are some things that have been speaking to my heart:
1. I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day moment when I was subbing in a Kindergarten classroom on Monday. Mostly all of the students had made little paper bags for their "mailboxes" and brought in valentines to share with their classmates. One little boy wasn't there the day they had made the bags, so I gave him a plastic bag to use. Since his bag wasn't put out on display like everyone else's, I think that his valentines got put either into random bags or thrown away. He ended up with only about three valentines in his bag. Later in the afternoon, we had a time to dump out the valentines and look at all of them, and I was teasing the kids because I hadn't gotten any valentines. That same little boy heard me say, "Well, where's my valentines? Don't I get a valentine from anyone?" and he came over and handed me one of his. He said, in the sweetest little voice, "Here, I kept this one safe for you." My heart melted, and I even felt a bit guilty because I obviously hadn't been serious in my request for a valentine.
Out of the little he had, he gave much. It was a true-blue demonstration of real love from the sweet heart of an innocent child. So much to learn from him. ♥ ♥ ♥
2. Here are the lyrics to Sufjan Stevens's song "Enchanting Ghost" from his EP "All Delighted People" (which is located close to the very top of my favorite music of all time, by the way). He softly and tenderly sings my heartbreak into words and melody in this song. Read them while listening to this:
Tell me what you saw in me
And I'll try to replicate it with a scene
Mm-mmm
If it troubles you to breathe
Wait a moment; I could change the scenery
Don't carry on carrying efforts, no no, oh oh oh oh
Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow
And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh
Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost
Mm-mmm
It's only that I meant to bring Love and liveliness to your breast on the scene Mm-mmm Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp? Am I pest to feed?
Don't carry on carrying regrets, oh no oh oh oh Somewhere there's a room for us to speak alone And if it grieves you to stay here, just go, oh oh oh oh For I have no spell on you, it's all a ghost Mm-mmm
I still have the things you gave me Four anointing oils, the paper weight you made Mm-mmm For sure I haven't carried them Or buried them in the name of your ghost, my friend
Don't carry on carrying efforts: Don't go! No oh oh oh Stay with me until I sleep within your host Or if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost Mm-mmm
3. I just wanted to publicly declare that I am becoming increasingly excited for my friends Jillian and Owen Pye and their cutest little baby Cash to come to Indy in about a month! Owen is preparing to drop his new album on February 22nd, and then they are all heading out to tour the country. They are making a stop here, and Owen's performing a house show in Fountain Square. I'm excited to spend time with lovely people from home who love art and music like I do. It will be a great weekend with genuinely precious people, and you should come down to Indy to see his show on March 13!
Check out Owen's music and tour details on his website and check out Jillian's lovely etsy shop and her beautiful blog,
Also, here's the recently released stop-motion music video that utilizes both Owen's talent (musical) and Jillian's talents (designing and storywriting):
4. I love that I am constantly learning about my faith and how I interact with God. Today, I read this article about some important lessons that the disciple Thomas teaches us. I found it to be a really fresh analysis of a familiar character's story.
5. Two goals I set for myself this week are to finish my knitted blanket by hand-sewing some pom-pom trim on it and to invest in one or two board games for entertaining the comp'ny. I achieved the first one today, and it felt so good to accomplish something even though I didn't go to work. A lot of times I lazy away the days that I don't sub. Not today, friends, not today!
There are many things I could write about in this post, as there are a million and one things happening right now-- life changes, heart changes, mind changes-- but instead I'll take to tackling the task of rediscovering my love for art.
One of the most fulfilling things about my life as a human is the ability to express myself. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes others do it for me, but nonetheless, whenever my thoughts are put into music, words, or visual art of some kind, I feel so fulfilled.
I am realizing more and more how inexplicable the affect of art on our souls (or maybe just my soul?) really is. I cannot argue to someone why art is so important in the life of people. I cannot make any logical explanation for why I feel a great sense of peace in those moments when I am accepting my emotions and creating something out of that acceptance. I cannot explain to anyone else why someone else's lyrics and music can make my heart beat in time and rhythm with what I hear. I cannot explain what relief it is to pound my feet on the floor and swirl my hands all in the air along with the insistent bass of an upbeat song. I cannot explain why when I create something with my own hands I feel as though I was able to pull my thoughts through my fingers and display them in a more understandable way. Try talking to me-- see the pleasure I take in each breath and each sincere proclamation from the floors of my heart chambers, at least when the words are there. When they aren't there, watch to see how my heart is reflected. It is equally raw and real.
Some things I really love about art-- Sillohuettes. Darkness. Tints. Shadows. Unexpected twists and turns. Saturated colors. Texture. Depth. Symbolism. Analogies. Purpose. Meaning. Deliberation. Variety. People within their art.
Art is honest in ways that words alone cannot be. Art conveys its honesty in different levels to different people-- no worries about feeling out that awkward situation and searching for just the right small talk to engage in. Art can break the awkwardness with a bold statement, it can mask the awkwardness subtly, or it can present a distracting focus from the awkwardness altogether without feeling the effects of any of those actions.
I really love honesty and vulnerability because I think people benefit from stepping outside of their fear and comfort. I am coming to understand, though, that not a lot of people can handle the honest me I often present. I am often times really awkward and/or overwhelming or I come off as aggressive/opinionated/emotionally unstable. Unfortunately, I present myself in nautical knot form. Not many people understand the nautical knots I present in the first place, but when I hold back I tie myself into wrongside-out nautical knots. (Try visualizing that one.) People tend to exhaust me for this reason. I exhaust myself already simply attempting to decipher the code of my thoughts, and when I strive equally to express myself to other people, I'm doubly exhausted.
With art, though, feedback from people isn't necessary. I deeply hope that my art can communicate with people like a lot of art communicates to me, but I may not ever see that communication even if it does occur. I would love to see and hear how people respond to my art, but if I never do, I don't mind because of how fulfilling it is simply to create. The internet provides a similar forum of expression because I can post whatever I want to express and not expect anyone to read it or respond to it. I am not sitting and typing this right to anyone so I don't expect feedback. When I expect feedback I am often disappointed, and with the internet I can express simply for expression's sake. For art's sake. Maybe also to shield from disappointment, but is that such a bad thing?
The next thing to discover: how to make mistakes successfully and make them beautiful, in both art and life.
Today's the day- the post about beauty. I didn't know when this day would come, but it has sneaked up on me and arrived with haste!
Beauty, ah, sweet Beauty. What is it? Is it a perfect green lawn? Or is it Mozart? Is it da Vinci or Rembrandt? Is it old or new? Is it Hatebreed or Dennison Whitmer? Is it straight white teeth and tan skin? Is it golden pie crusts or the smell of apples and cinnamon? Is it lipstick or fashion or long hair or short hair? Is it the Fibonacci sequence or the golden rectangle? Is it color schemes or shapes or vibrato on the sweetest violin?
Let me explain to you that not one of these things is beauty. Beauty is lying in the tension. Beauty is feeling uncomfortable and knowing that something good will come of it. Beauty is realizing that suffering and pain bring about character and faith. Beauty lies within our creator and his creation, but beauty itself is God himself. He is perfect and we will never be, but when we strive to be like him, we find beauty there. Beauty is tough and sometimes bloody and broken. Beauty is found in darkness, when the light shines through. Beauty is in the everyday mundane moments. Beauty is both sadness and happiness. Beauty is both frustration and resolution. Beauty is risking and vulnerability and seeking the unknown. Beauty is wonder and humility and realizing just how small we are.
Beauty is not a false perception of reality, but beauty is realizing that reality is both the positive and the negative.
So much of what we perceive to be beautiful is based upon a subjective view of beauty-- you either like broccoli or you don't. You like classical music or you don't. You like art or you don't. The thing about subjective views is that they can change. I used to like listening to Mozart a lot, and now I don't. I used to hate avant-guarde composers and their music, but now that I understand it better I don't.
Beauty is constant, whether we recognize it as such or not. Beauty lies in everything that happens and everything that surrounds us, and often the way we perceive things is subjective so we fail to see that things are actually beautiful when they are.
What can we know about someone by looking at them or observing some of their behaviors? Do you know anyone who seemed ugly until you got to know them? Or people that seemed perfectly beautiful, but then they showed their weakness and it seemed ugly to you? People who portray themselves a certain way when they are actually different from that image can actually be saturating themselves in what seems to be ugliness and are actually failing to revel in the beauty of their lives. I know people like that, and speaking of "those people," I am one of them, especially when beauty comes to me in discomfort. I don't want to view the beauty in my life subjectively because I know my perception can be faulty. I continue to pray for humility and an open heart in those moments because I know that God is always growing me and teaching me through those times of discomfort. He is good and never fails at anything. That is an extreme statement, but it's so true. Knowing God's character helps me not to give up when times are so rough.
That, my dear friends, is beauty. Beauty lies in that place of deep understanding and trust in One who is perfect and good.
Sometimes the thing that speaks best to me is a song or two.
I sit in a room alone, or my car while driving for a long time, turn on an epic chorus in a Mumford and Sons song or a lilting strings section in a Keely Smith ballade or a steady heavenly beat in a Psalter's song or a floating melody in a Trespasser's William song and then let the moment speak for itself.
I am a big fan of words, but sometimes words get in the way of melodies and harmonies and rhythms and true expression. Sometimes I can only express my state of being by asking someone to listen to a certain song with me.
Another great moment is when, although pretty rare, I can write a song that expresses me. This is harder for me than identifying someone else's lyrics and melodies as ones that express exactly what I wish to express.
Right now, though (if you desire to share it with me), I am listening to the song listed at the beginning of this post and the music speaks precisely to who I am at this very moment. You can find the song on Daytrotter: http://www.daytrotter.com/dt/meg-baird-concert/20030761-3738132.html
