Fear and Rationality

Wow it has been about 4 months since my last post! So sad. But it goes to show my schedule and abilities to endeavor into my creative outlets (aka that endeavor does not exist). I have not, however, stopped thinking.


This brain is like a train line, always moving, sometimes on schedule, sometimes a bit off. If thinking could be classified as a spiritual gift, I would say that I possess it. Along with the ability to think and analyze comes an understanding of most possible outcomes in situations. When I consider everything that could possibly happen in all situations of my life I run myself pretty ragged, engendering fear and anxiety that paralyzes. Luckily, after 23 years of life, I have learned to cope somewhat, especially in the last few years thanks to the help of counselors (official and unofficial) and some very loving friends. As I have breached the surface of my unbridled sea of anxiousness, I have noticed that I am not the only one who suffers with this crippling fear. There are many of us! It's so weird how alone I felt in my anxiety, especially alienated by the ones closest to me who suffered from their own anxieties. It's quite maddening.

Nevertheless, I have emerged from beneath the abyss, and now I am prepared to gaze at the reflection permanently situated on the surface. Fear and anxiety are not the way we are meant to live. They trap creativity and the ability to take risks in any situation. I was raised to be not only cautious always, but never to take risks. Always seek comfort and success because you wouldn't want to embarass yourself by looking like you don't have it all together. I don't know that my family meant me that harm, but that is how it manifested, and I can't help but think about the countless children that I have see, am seeing, and will see in my life. Am I continuing the vicious cycle of imparting my own anxiety into future generations? The short answer is no. The long answer follows.

I currently work at a preschool that is rooted in the Montessori Method of education. For those of you who are Montessori ignorant (as I was before I started working there), basically speaking it is a method of educating based on scientific and developmental research that promotes independently paced learning based on student interest and motivation. We structure everything logically, focusing mainly on one aspect of learning at a time, with self-checks so that the kids can know when they do a work correctly or incorrectly. Direct feedback during the learning process. It is pretty amazing-- we have a few 4 year-olds who are delving into material that is first grade level work, and I think those children would have been overlooked and simply out of luck in the regular classroom (or regular preschool, for that matter).

Within the idea of logical learning, we use every moment in our daily life as a moment to learn. A kid is throwing a fit because he doesn't want to put his coat on before we go outside...unfortunately, it's not an option for him to stay inside because it is our outside time where the whole class goes outside. He consequently has two options-- he can put his coat on and come outside, or he can not put his coat and come outside. The teacher has many other students to attend to, so the option of the teacher fighting him to put his coat on is, in fact, not an option. The kid chooses to stand behind his decision to not put his coat on, he goes outside, he's very cold, he learns that it is his responsibility to keep himself warm by putting on his coat. Parents sometimes come into the picture not understanding how we do things, and they get upset to see how we handle a situation (especially the coat issue) because of course every parent wants their child to be comfortable and successful (my parents are exhibit A up above). The thing is, parents, you aren't promoting the best for your child if you aren't helping them think logically for themselves. Independent thinking allows for innovation and creativity, and if we stifle their opportunities to learn, especially at this formative age, we are not enabling or empowering them.

It seems to me that we all entertain irrational fears: fear of spiders, fear of snakes, fear of bugs, fear of heights, fear of mice in your house, fear of dogs, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of embarassment, etc. These fears very well may be rooted in experience, but a lot of times those experiences are not consistent in our lives. I fear failing because I think people would not see me as a competent individual and that they would stop believing that I could make a difference in the world and in people's lives. That affects my whole life. But it's not rational. What people think of me only determines my fate to a certain extent-- I may not get that job that I wanted or I may lose the job I have, I may lose a friend or get a bad grade. Ultimately, my life would move forward, and I would forget about all of those things. Our fears are irrational whether they are rooted in experience or not.

Necessary Christian Connection (and the reason why I have been able to move forward in my anxiety issues)
God calls us to love and be loved and that perfect love, which he offers us, casts out fear. So why is it that some Christians I know are also the most insecure people I know? Shouldn't we look different from the rest of our society because our hope  rests in something so much bigger than our fears? I think most would say yes, but most don't know how to pull themselves out of their fears. That's where our community comes in. The church body that is promoted all throughout the New Testament. We are called to sharpen one another, to rebuke one another, to encourage one another, to speak truth in love to one another. Never are we called to propagate fear in one another or distance ourselves from one another or live alone.

That's where my mission comes in. Our school is that community for these kids. I have been put on this earth and in this particular job to help children see that they are safe and loved, if not all the time, at least by me. It's very difficult to promote that and live that lifestyle out fully and consistently because I am broken and still struggling with my own issues, but I have seen the benefit already of the little bit that I am able to do to help them. They are beautiful people already because my fellow teachers and I challenge them to think, to talk, to act, to deal with their emotions, and to walk through life logically for the purpose of staying grounded and doing their best. They are satisfied and proud that they can solve their own fights with friends and figure work out on their own. They are empowered and enabled, the lack of which is the plight of those impoverished in this world. I am thankful that I get this opportunity to help change the world in whatever small way God empowers and enables me.

Depth is Not Just for Deep-Sea Divers: Part 1

Life has its way with me, a way of stunning me with questions.

Source

Today in church we talked about Jacob being "stunned" to once again be united with his boy Joseph because Jacob had been under the impression that over a decade or so earlier his boy had been killed by his brothers. My pastor described the Hebrew word translated "stunned" to be more akin to "experiencing a brief cardiac event" and that the word "stunned" did not give us a sufficient understanding of what Jacob was legitimately experiencing. Now, I won't be so naive or haughty as to claim that my life is a series of literal brief cardiac events per se, but sometimes I literally believe my brain stops firing neurons because its system is simply overloaded and cannot compute the breadth of thoughts passing through its circuits.

Ask anyone who has ever been remotely close to me and they will testify that I am always thinking and questioning and wondering why (and that it drives them crazy!). Some see it as a waste of energy, and I have been told many times to "lighten up." There is probably some merit to that advice, but in moderation, I don't think I will die as a result of being intensely interested in life and wanting to explore the depths of thought and existence. After all, it is highly accepted and encouraged in most academic settings (shout out to all my peeps with philosophy, sociology, psychology, anthropology, and theology degrees), so why can't I, an everyday teacher-woman, don these same processes in search of something more fulfilling or at least a little bit more sensical than what I make of the world currently? I can and I will, thanks :)

Seeking depth does not have to be as challenging as diving to the bottom of the deep blue sea. Obviously, that act takes loads of expensive equipment and training. True depth, in its existential meaning, comes from building trusting relationships and opening oneself a little bit at a time to come to understand the world better. The beauty of this process is that once I become a bit more fulfilled or feel like things make a bit more sense, another "existential crisis" (a term applied by my boyfriend when referring to my own "brief cardiac events") manifests in order to encourage me to begin questioning again, and the whole process begins again instantly.

It is natural for humans to want more out of life. We see it play out in a perverted way within our consumerist culture as the dissatisfied grow weary of their quantities and acquire more quanitities as they seek greater fulfillment. In a more metaphorical way, as we grow older we may grow less fulfilled with our knowledge and experience, but naturally we develop an evolved understanding  of the world as we gain more knowledge and a broader spectrum of experiences. We may not realize it is happening, and when we fail to acknowledge and reflect upon our gained knowledge and experience, we may not find fulfillment.

I find that living intentionally in community with others is one of the most forward propelling acts of exploring fulfillment of coming to a better understanding of life's questions though the intellect and emotion. One person is incredibly individual, and yet a group of people is colossally congenial. As a direct result of living within an intentional definition of community, we can simultaneously gaze upon reflections of ourselves while attempting to stand at a variety of distinctive vantage points that may not be natural to us. Our primary lens as humans coming to understand the world better is undoubtedly through one another's experiences and knowledge, allowing us to develop highly informed and evolved worldviews/perspectives.

This brings me to my personal community: the Christian community. Because so many spend their time and energy bashing the church and not doing anything to act out the change for which they are yearning, I want to simply explore and not bash the issues within the community. I am currently in a leadership position within my local church community and feel that I am wrestling with questions and disconnections that could use some communal thoughts. I want to see possibilities of change and specific solutions or at least questions asked in order to come to specific solutions. For each smaller community, depending on specific theology, demographics, cultures, etc, the answers to the questions look different, but I think the questions make sense and some of the answers will translate because after all, we are one unified body, the Body of Christ.

(see part 2)

Depth is Not Just for Deep-Sea Divers: Part 2

As I have stepped into the role of "Worship Coordinator" within my current church community, I have gained a responsibility to be intentional about the way that I interact with my church community. This is something that has always been very natural for me, so "making it official" seemed like a natural step for me. For some reason, though, the weight of this new responsibility is great. No longer am I held accountable for my own spiritual health and maybe the spiritual health of those around me in proximity. No, I am now held accountable for the spiritual health for anyone interacting with our community, especially during the communal worship service.

I am not in this alone, which is such a relief to me, but even at our staff meetings this search for community can be lost because we are under an unwritten time constraint because people naturally have other things going on in their lives. You may be inclined to believe that after attending a church for 5 years, serving in ministries within the church community, moving to the town in which the church is located, living within three blocks of at least 10 people who I would call my brothers and sisters of my church community, and serving as a leader on staff that I would feel I am reaching some point of depth with the community, but I can tell you that it is not so.

I believe that somehow, as invisible and far-away as he sometimes seems, God has called me, led me, and allowed me to take those steps for some greater purpose that will be unknown wholly to me until I die. I trust that this is true because I see needs and I see my abilities line up with the potential to help meet those needs. It is very beautiful, but within the context of depth, it is also very difficult. Hope is hard to sustain within myself. I am left alone (too much! haha) with my crazy questioning brain with little or no outlet for exploring those ideas and desires and dreams.

It is no one person's fault, but I am just trying to figure out what to do with it. There is little time or space for long, deep discussions to take place because people are busy with their lives, working ridiculous amounts of tiring hours, watching their favorite TV shows, reading their favorite websites, keeping track of their favorite sports teams, researching the newest technology, and just generally being caught up in the small world that they have control over and with which they can keep up in a sense. I am equally guilty. I will confess and say that my world is made up of (in order from greatest to least) my job, my sleep, my boyfriend, my roommates/house, my facebook/internet, my church business, my music, my reading, etc.

It's funny because I don't think this is unique to my local church community. I am often involved in reading online blogs and articles written by other Christians across the nations who want to explore meaningful topics and discussions with other Christians. I am blessed by these opportunities for interaction, but I am also left disappointed when I see that people are offering the same old, cheap, pre-packaged, non-Biblical, culturally steeped answers to the deep and messy questions I am asking. Take a look at THIS DISCUSSION and see my point. If you list the comments from newest to oldest, you may see my post and some of the questions I am asking to which no one responds. The responses above me mirror the responses below me, and none of them get to the deeper issue at hand, in my opinion. My reasonable understanding of this is that since we all come from a very similar context (age, probably race and socio-economic status, religious affiliation, etc), we all come up with very similar answers. I simply wish that there were other people involved in the discussion who could be courageous enough (or maybe experienced enough?) to look deeper, ask deeper questions, and seek deeper solutions than the insufficient, inadequate, surface-level answers they have been told at church all of their young lives.

It is so frustrating. I am craving this depth, but cannot find it in close proximity or far. I must say that I am thankful for my boyfriend who is currently studying at a school of theology because he lets me bombard him with questions and thoughts, but I would like to give the poor guy a break every once in a while. So you, reader, can help me. Here are some questions:

What kind of answers does Christianity. the Bible, God himself have to offer concerning issues of sexuality? Homosexuality? Gender roles? Worship? Environmental issues? Capitalism?

I realize there are multiple books written about each of these topics, so I would love recommendations if you have any. I would also love to just hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment here or facebook message me. The purpose of this blog is some attempt at communal living and learning from one another, so let's do this thing!

PS- a blogger who wrote something stimulating! Yay!
http://thekenosis.blogspot.com/2011/11/queer-god-for-straight-bod.html

To Live

a poem (aka an excuse to post beautiful pictures from my past experiences while reflecting on images evoked by words)

I want to live a life that pops and bursts with life and color, boldness and passion.


I want to live in peace and comfort, knowing that I am safe.


I want to live a life that's complex but complete, beautiful but not necessarily tidy.



I want to live as one who steps slowly, feeding my senses, taking all things in and moving in ways of harmony with my world.




I want to live with relinquished control but power to choose and change.



I want to live with laughter, tears, and blood-- the ability to feel and simply know.


I want to live within myself while caring for those outside.


I want to live like my desires are a part of something bigger and better than myself.



I want to live so that I can die and leave behind all the things that hold me back.


To live is to die, and to die is gain.

Scaredy Cat

I'm not afraid of spiders, and I'm not afraid of snakes.
I'm not afraid to let you know that my heart breaks.
I'm not wishy-washy--I'm passionate and free.
I just have problems knowing when to let you in to see.

I don't know how I end up in unnecessarily vulnerable situations. It seems to happen, especially during the months where I am living alone.

Examples:
When I first moved to Indy-- car got broken into.
Winter time-- a person who I thought I could trust persistently invited himself to my home.
Today-- door-to-door solicitors sneakily made themselves comfortable with me and my furniture, asking for food, something cold to drink, and to use my bathroom.

I get really shaken up by this stuff, even if not on the outside. My heart starts racing, and I feel my face turn red from the embarrassment of not knowing how to get out of the situation. I become fearful-- fearful that I said too much, fearful that I put myself too far out there, fearful that I will be taken advantage of... Maybe I expect too much from people. Maybe I have too high of ideals for the world around me. I carry the innocence of a child a lot of times, and that innocence begets a pestilent ignorance, whose pestilence begets a sharp and nasty sting.


My parents always taught me to be overly cautious, to the point where I have develop a severe struggle with a lot of anxiety and self-deprecation. Since the start of college, though, I have been working to overcome paranoia, anxiety, and unnecessary fear in order to live a life full of trust. Unfortunately, when trying to overcome something so extremely ingrained, one may tend to fall extremely into the opposite way of life.


In my case, when I went to college, I saw people who were capable of and willing to loving me, and I embraced vulnerability a bit too much, only to be hurt and confused. I am still learning to balance vulnerability with discernment in my interactions with all people, whether intimate friends or acquaintances. I am learning about maintaining boundaries. I am learning that no one and nothing can separate me from the love and mercy that God has shown me, and that even though I may make mistakes and trust people too much or not enough, I do not have to fear those mistakes. I should not fear the strange men who waltzed into my apartment today. I should not fear saying the wrong thing at my interview tomorrow morning. I should not fear what my neighbors think of me when I sing worship songs with my windows open.


Though the world around me may crumble, my God still shelters me in his hand. Though I may die, emotionally or physically, my God remains faithful. Though I fear and struggle, he does not leave me to struggle on my own. Though our struggles are abundant, we grow in character, learn to trust in the unseen, and learn to help others trust as well. I hope and pray that my struggles bring others to understand the God I am learning to trust more and more. Our God is the most faithful and caring friend. He always holds us, loves us, refines us, and saves us from ourselves. 

My life is a prayer, the secrets I reveal in vain.

Lord, teach me how to love like you love me.

There's a line in a popular worship song that mirrors my prayer, and sometimes when I have sung that song, the line gets lost amongst other glimpses of humanity's ardor manifested through that song. Today, though, I see clearly that I am loved. Some days it is less clear to me than others. Some days I see how people love me. Some days I have a hard time seeing any love around me. Today, I trust the invisible promise of love from God. Sounds so weird. Some days I scoff at such a statement, but it resonates and reverberates in my heart chambers today.

Today was really an ordinary day. Actually it was a little less than the ordinary day. It's my first day back after Spring Break-- feeling tired, overwhelmed, inadequate, self-conscious, not confident, not outgoing. I just felt blah. The weather today was also blah.

At the school in which I am teaching, I feel really out of place. All the teachers are at least married, most have children or are in the process of having children (One just came back from a maternity leave, I am subbing for one currently on maternity leave, and at least two women are currently pregnant). Stories of daycare, family vacations, sickness traveling around the school and teachers' homes all abound in the lunchroom, and today was no exception. The latest buzz was all of their fabulous Spring Break trips and what fabulous trips they were planning on taking once the school year is over...

I simply cannot relate to most of the people I work with.

I am poor, single, childless, houseless, vacationless, etc. I sit nearly silent at lunch everyday. I sit and think about my work and my students and how I can be a better teacher or at least survive this year and do an okay job. I have a hard time making conversation with other teachers unless it's about my schedule or my students. I feel isolated because hardly anyone knows what to say to me either. I can't blame them, since the street clearly runs both ways.

Only one person even inquired about my Spring Break, which really was okay considering my Spring Break was a bit low on the fabulous scale. I went back home to visit my family, who I haven't seen since Christmas. Sounded like a needed time. My few days there ended with a family feud rehashed and my person completely torn apart. The drive back was beautiful, and I was graciously awaiting my personal space and safe haven again, despite the fact that also meant loads of work to catch up on (what I did not do on my Spring Break despite my intentions) and back to waking up early to be at school and work some more.

Dublin, Ireland

An edifice demolished by a heavy tidal wave. A man crushed by the weight of his own world. A girl trapped in and trying to push free from the mistakes of those who raised her. It's heavy. And it hurts.

But there is hope because I am not crushed by the weight of everything I carry, even though it feels like I could and should be. There is hope because despite all of this heaviness, I keep going and learning and changing. Perseverance begets character. Giving up is not an option because I am learning how to grieve and let go of control when I know I am only trying to manipulate what I can't really control. Within my sauntering steps, I hear faint music that keeps my heart beating steady and my feet moving forward. That music drives out fear, and the melody is a selfless, unconditional, untainted, un-human love--the only kind of love that is reliable. It comes from a reliable, trustworthy source. He never fails those who seek him. He holds us closely when everyone else ignores us. I want to love like him.

My life is vain, yet he loves me.

Acceptance

As some (all?) of you may know, I love art, music, dance, expression, creativity, etc. I would definitely classify myself into the category of "artsy" people, however, I have always denied identifying myself as an "artist." Things are changing for the better.

In October, I started going to counseling. First of all, I think everyone can benefit from an outside objective voice in their lives. Secondly, and more personally, I like/need to talk things out with people, and I find that she is a great support and outlet for me since there aren't an abundance of people around me 24/7 to listen to me process life. Sometimes I feel like she isn't 100% on board with what I am saying since she is a new friend who isn't constantly a part of my life, but it is good for me to practice explaining everything without having expectations that the other person will understand my context. People generally can't read my mind, and sometimes I treat my closest loved ones as though they should be able to... Anyway, she suggested that I start reading/studying this self-help sort of book called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. I have to admit, the book is sometimes a little "broad" spiritually, and it makes me work a lot and think a little, but I have gotten some really valuable things out of studying the book so far.

I am only in my second week of study, but I am now able to declare that I am an artist, despite my lack of training in visual art. I am a writer, even if I have never sold a novel. I am a dancer because I dance (duh). I am a musician-- I write music, and it's actually good. It's not good because I judge it according to specific academic criteria necessarily (although, I definitely have my standards being a trained musician), but it is good because I created it and creating things is good. God created the universe and declared it good-- I believe he was excited not only about the product, but also that he created it himself. We are made in God's image and are meant to see creativity in the same light. Our skills can always improve. Our conceptual frameworks will always morph. Letting go of expectations or standards and letting ourselves create is the big battle, but once we allow ourselves to do so and can see that there is worth in practicing creativity, then we are paving the way for our skills to improve and our creative concepts to form more solidly. We start to feel motivated... inspired, even.

Creating things takes energy, concentration, focus, planning, awareness, practice, and most of all it takes rest. God rested on the seventh day. As cliche as that seems, it is a legitimate model for creative people. Have you ever tried just pushing through a writer's block or cutting and pasting through a crafter's block? Generally the results are things you throw away or things you resent. I must rest when I am feeling unmotivated or inspired. I must recharge and refill. I must change my environment and my routine, sit in Starbucks, read a book, take a drive or walk-- fill my life with new images, new people, new sounds, new smells and tastes, new conversations. My inspiration comes when I am not creating.

I'm sure I will be learning more on my journey of "creative healing," but I wanted to take a moment and celebrate my true personal accomplishment of being able to accept and declare the fact that I am an artist. God created you and me, and we are to create to reflect His image to those around us. Living in fear of that creativity is living against God's intentions and will for his people. Take a risk and explore your creativity this week. Send me a copy of whatever you do so I can enjoy it, too! :)

Ecclectic Evening Post

This post, similarly to my last post, is one of little continuity and form. I like it that way. Here are some things that have been speaking to my heart:

1. I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day moment when I was subbing in a Kindergarten classroom on Monday. Mostly all of the students had made little paper bags for their "mailboxes" and brought in valentines to share with their classmates. One little boy wasn't there the day they had made the bags, so I gave him a plastic bag to use. Since his bag wasn't put out on display like everyone else's, I think that his valentines got put either into random bags or thrown away. He ended up with only about three valentines in his bag. Later in the afternoon, we had a time to dump out the valentines and look at all of them, and I was teasing the kids because I hadn't gotten any valentines. That same little boy heard me say, "Well, where's my valentines? Don't I get a valentine from anyone?" and he came over and handed me one of his. He said, in the sweetest little voice, "Here, I kept this one safe for you." My heart melted, and I even felt a bit guilty because I obviously hadn't been serious in my request for a valentine.

Out of the little he had, he gave much. It was a true-blue demonstration of real love from the sweet heart of an innocent child. So much to learn from him. ♥ ♥ ♥

2. Here are the lyrics to Sufjan Stevens's song "Enchanting Ghost" from his EP "All Delighted People" (which is located close to the very top of my favorite music of all time, by the way). He softly and tenderly sings my heartbreak into words and melody in this song. Read them while listening to this:

Tell me what you saw in me

And I'll try to replicate it with a scene

Mm-mmm

If it troubles you to breathe

Wait a moment; I could change the scenery

Don't carry on carrying efforts, no no, oh oh oh oh

Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow

And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh

Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

Mm-mmm

It's only that I meant to bring
Love and liveliness to your breast on the scene
Mm-mmm
Did you cut your hands on me?
Are my edges sharp? Am I pest to feed?

Don't carry on carrying regrets, oh no oh oh oh
Somewhere there's a room for us to speak alone
And if it grieves you to stay here, just go, oh oh oh oh
For I have no spell on you, it's all a ghost
Mm-mmm

I still have the things you gave me
Four anointing oils, the paper weight you made
Mm-mmm
For sure I haven't carried them
Or buried them in the name of your ghost, my friend

Don't carry on carrying efforts: Don't go! No oh oh oh
Stay with me until I sleep within your host
Or if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh
Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost
Mm-mmm

3. I just wanted to publicly declare that I am becoming increasingly excited for my friends Jillian and Owen Pye and their cutest little baby Cash to come to Indy in about a month! Owen is preparing to drop his new album on February 22nd, and then they are all heading out to tour the country. They are making a stop here, and Owen's performing a house show in Fountain Square. I'm excited to spend time with lovely people from home who love art and music like I do. It will be a great weekend with genuinely precious people, and you should come down to Indy to see his show on March 13!

Check out Owen's music and tour details on his website and check out Jillian's lovely etsy shop and her beautiful blog,

Also, here's the recently released stop-motion music video that utilizes both Owen's talent (musical) and Jillian's talents (designing and storywriting):

4. I love that I am constantly learning about my faith and how I interact with God. Today, I read this article about some important lessons that the disciple Thomas teaches us. I found it to be a really fresh analysis of a familiar character's story. 

5. Two goals I set for myself this week are to finish my knitted blanket by hand-sewing some pom-pom trim on it and to invest in one or two board games for entertaining the comp'ny. I achieved the first one today, and it felt so good to accomplish something even though I didn't go to work. A lot of times I lazy away the days that I don't sub. Not today, friends, not today!

Desire and Want

Desire and Want are two characters that play huge roles in the drama that is my life. I spend countless hours attempting to deconstruct them and pick them apart in order to understand every facet of each one of them. My desires and wants often tug heavily on my heart, sometimes to a point where I fail to understand them for who they really are. Sometimes I know and feel assured that my desires and wants are God-given, that he wove them with passion into my very being, never to be separated from who I am. Sometimes, though, Desire and Want are parasitic selfish pursuits that mask any work God is doing in my life.

Desire haunts me. Want grasps tightly to me. What if my desires and wants are not what God wants for me? I often desire and then wait to let God hand over the object of my desire to me. When he doesn't, I feel wronged. I ask, "Why was this desire placed in me in the first place?!" I grow in anger and frustration when my heart itself deceives me and pulls me farther from the trust that I owe my Father. Yes, he has given me desires and wants; he has knitted my soul together, complete with all character traits, personality quirks, and desires and wants. These things are also subject to sin, though. Even though God himself lives in me, my sinful nature is still residing there, too. (I hate that.)

Years ago, I desired that God come into my life and tear it up a bit. I decided to follow the truth presented through Christ's death for all of man on the cross, and I knew that would take immense sacrifice. Did I remember that "sacrifice" could mean obeying God to such a limit as Abraham did? Did I realize that I could be asked to sacrifice my own kin? Did I realize that only when my arm was raised in obedience would God send me a sheep in place of my own kin? I don't think I could realize that at the time that I decided to surrender my life to follow God. I am realizing it more today, although I know I am slow at learning these types of things and it will probably take me a lifetime to truly understand.

Desire and Want are the two daughters borne from my very heart and affecting every action I make. Unfortunately, I have not yet stepped out of myself to sacrifice my own kin. Desire and Want are entangled in the web of my sin: my selfishness, my pride, my rationality, my independence...I tend to be really overwhelmed by this. I try to change myself, change the people around me, change my environment, learn about myself more, learn about other people more, but I forget about this one Person who has a bigger effect on my life than any of those things.

Today, I found some good news in a little old devotional book I found years ago called Gates of Beauty. December 13th's entry begins with some very wise words: "We have spoken much in recent years about Christians building the kingdom of God, of letting God work through us; as thought God were a victim of our indifference, stalled until we get ready to cooperate with him. There is both truth and falsehood in believing this. In a very real way, God will use us if we give ourselves to him with humble spirits. But even if we do not, that does not take the initiative out of God's hands."

It is such a comfort to me to remember the magnitude of God's power outside of my understanding of my own power. God dwells in me, and he can change me whether I am willing to let him change me or not. Even when I feel that transforming Desire and Want seems nearly impossible, that I cannot sacrifice my own dear daughters, God still intervenes there. If Abraham would have chickened out of sacrificing his own son, what would God have done? He would have taught him some other really hard lessons to learn in some other really hard way. God does not leave us behind if we are failing to get his message to us (which I feel like I probably do a lot of the time).

The devotional entry goes on, " God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son." How little men had to do with this act of God for our salvation! God took the initiative and sent Christ because he loved us, not because men were ready and clamoring for his coming. The whole story of Jesus is one to give us confidence in God's way of dealing with sin, not in men's way. For even when sinful men crucified Christ, God in his way brought victory out of defeat. 'God so loved the world...,' 'while we were yet sinners, Christ dies for us.' From beginning to end, it is God's hand that controls and acts, turning the pages of history to bring to pass his divine purposes,--while we were yet sinners."

My Father is a relentless pursuer. I hoard up what I think are treasures in my heart and on this earth, and no matter if I surrender those or not, he busts through the door of my heart and pillages any sin that I should be willingly sacrificing. Jesus already died for all my sins; that's why I need to let them go. I need to throw my stored up "treasures" out the window and into the river to be swept away and burdening me no more. Whether I do that myself or not, God will not let me continually flounder, fall, and fail. His love is bigger than my love for Desire and Want. As much as it hurts me to tear Desire and Want from my heart, it grieves God even more when I do not.

Surrender is stripping myself down to bare bones and letting God clothe me in righteousness. God doesn't want to put me through the embarrassment of stripping me down himself, but, like a good Father preparing a child for a long soak in the tub, he will do it if I don't, no matter how embarrassed I might be. He would rather embarrass me than let me destroy myself by sitting and rotting in my own filth.

Thank God for his mercy.

It's My Life, I'll Live How I Want

The word “sin” has terrible connotations to much of my generation, I think. I know it even does for me. I grew up avoiding those who used any kind of “Christianese” language because it left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t want to talk to anyone that would just tell me how I was living my life poorly and how the “perfect” religion that Christianity is can make my life perfect. I saw right through that. I knew that “Christians” were divorcing their spouses, abusing their children, cursing, getting drunk, and having sex just as much as anyone else I knew. Why would I want to be a part of a group of people that claimed perfection, yet lived by looser morals than I did? No thanks. Preach hell to me all you want. I ain’t doin’ it.

Then, I experienced God (insert Hallelujah Chorus, Anathallo's Hoodwink, or Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla). God is much different than all the denominations of Christianity portray him to be and all the seemingly “fake perfect people” whom I perceived to be dwelling in the church. God is beautiful (that’s an understatement). People are pretty ugly, although I can’t say some of us humans don’t try to be beautiful like God. Others of us, though, need to put ourselves and our perceptions (of ourselves and other people) aside. Probably all of us need to do this to some extent or another. Actually, I know all of us do. I can’t think of one immaculate person that is exempt from that.

The Bible, whether you want to read it or not, says that all people are sinners (again that harsh word).

Really think about it though. We protect ourselves, often at the expense of other people and their feelings. We will do whatever it takes to be the “best” or to have the “best”—lying, cheating, stealing. I can see this in my daily interactions with people. I know you can, too, no matter if you hang with Christians all the time or not. Kids are so raw, and they are especially experts at helping us see how humans can be so screwed up when we fail to let ourselves see it in our own lives. We see how broken families affect kids and usually lead them down broken paths as well (not saying that all kids are future sugar mamas and pimp daddies, but think about people’s perception of marriage now since divorce has become so common—see post below about marriage for more thoughts on that one…).

Whether you are a Christian or not, you are going to have to answer to God and his moral standards.

That’s a tough one. You may not agree with it or think it’s true, but if it is, think about how much that plays into people’s daily lives… every single moment.

We may think that “the way I do things is how my personal world can be at its best,” but what about the way we affect other people? Sometimes choosing to live our lives the way we see fit is the worst thing for those around us, especially if those around us are seeking to show us they care about us. That misunderstanding can often be the biggest slap in the face. I have seen it in my immediate family, even. One person has a strong opinion attached to emotions and all of a sudden they are enemies with their family member who takes the opposite view.

Even worse, God is affected by these things that we do. The picture of Jesus Christ being crucified is often a bloody and violent one, but I do think it is that way to remind us of how much God is hurt by the things we do to his world and in his world. Think about how terrible and how hurt you felt when you were in the biggest fight you have ever gotten in with your closest friend. God hurts so much more than that. We can’t even understand it, which is crazy to me.



I wish I could just shout this on the rooftop (with choreographed dance of course, like in West Side Story) for the whole country to hear: BUCK UP. I don’t mean this in the “American Way,” like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” or “be a man.” I mean it in a way that a lot of people have forgotten about or are afraid to acknowledge—own up to your failure. Failure is another way of saying sin has corrupted our lives once again. We all fail. Every day. We fail so hard sometimes. We can’t always be putting ourselves in the right, and we must acknowledge the fact that other people might have a better perspective on situations than we do. Sometimes people want to share their perspective with you so that they can help you or show you they care. Why would anyone spit back in the face of someone who is attempting to show care to them? (Well, I can tell you the answer to that question, but it’s that nasty word again.)

Tolerance is blind and relative. I actually wish the word didn't exist. I think it implies passiveness when there is so much to be done in this world. Grace is much, much different than tolerance. Grace is firm for all people, even people who are wrong and failures (aka EVERYONE). The authors of the Bible write about God hating sin, and we are actually supposed to hate sin, too. That’s awesome because I do hate sin. It messes up so many beautiful things in my life, not to mention what worse things it does in other people’s lives. Lots of times people think that hating sin means helping their neighbor see how sinful they are, but really I think it speaks more directly to our own lives. A faith in Jesus Christ, God incarnate, is equally about our personal hearts and the way we live our lives behind closed doors. Sure, we are also called to “rebuke” one another. Let’s not eliminate that, but instead let’s coat it with vulnerability and genuine care and grace for those to whom we are speaking. Let’s put ourselves aside!

I am extremely selfish, but that’s what makes me a great person to let other people know they are being selfish, too. I can share my experience and my continual struggle with them. God has used my sin to help someone. How cool. I love knowing that I can help people. Sin is funny because it is a hugely alienating thing, but God is so good at taking things that are twisted and horrible and making them good. He helps us use sin as a means for building community and understanding the character of God more easily. If we own up to our failure and begin to move in the direction of reconciliation (with God, with one another, with ourselves, and with the earth), we give God a big door into changing our lives and our little personal worlds, not to mention THE WHOLE WORLD. (breaks into “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” haha)

But really, God cares so much! What great news!




(PS- I really love that at the end of all my posts, I realize there is no other thing/being to serve beside the Lord. He is so good, guys, seeeeeriously.)

Love Thy Neighbor

I'm realizing more and more that I am making my blog entries about observations I make about people, mostly through facebook.

That strange fact aside, here's my latest question:
Why do people think they have to be so opinionated?

I wish we would all just see the good in the things around us and not focus on the negative and complaining so much. I especially think this should be true for Christians, who are supposedly full of grace and mercy and love. I'm taking this with a grain of salt, remembering again (as I do in most of my blog posts) that people are so not perfect. That being said, however, people should be striving for perfection. The apostle Paul clearly states that as a purpose of our life on earth.

My main focus is on politics because it's something people talk about and form opinions about a lot. I think there is very many things wrong with American government, but I have no tolerance for people being angry with the current administration (or any administration in any time) and not doing anything about it. The crappy part is that no one person can really do anything about it (unless you have the $$$$ to influence groups of people or the government). Instead, people should be looking for ways to influence their local sphere of influence in concrete ways. Inspire kids to pursue politics for the right reasons: for change for the better, for truly representing the people of the United States, to see the needs of those around him or her, to get to know his or her neighbors and neighborhoods to better represent them.

There are bigger problems in this country than Obama or the Democrats and Republicans working in Washington. The problems lie right next door. Kids' aspirations, parents' inabilities to raise their children, the money that is being sucked out of small businesses, the money that is being poured into consumerism and big business and designer brands and prestige. This country has been established for 230 years, and you would think that with all our striving for science, technology, efficiency and logical reasoning social status would be abolished.

Sometimes things in this world just don't make sense to me. It's a constant reminder of how God has set me apart from the world because I am a Christian. He has transformed and renewed my mind and my way of thinking (and for all Christians). I am able to see the big picture, and I have a perspective that I believe is one that lines up at least in some ways with God's vision for the world. But it is so frustrating to live a life seeing brokenness and being frustrated that things are not the best that they could be. This is how God sees the world, too, though I guess.

Do we realize how much we are breaking God's heart? Do we think about that when we are judging the situations around us? Do we judge with broken hearts or pride in our own way of doing and seeing things? I know this is something from which I am not exempt. I know that my perspective is not always the right way, but I live with openness to discovering the truth and the way that God intends our lives to be. I hardly ever stop and sit on an opinion, and I try really hard not to stubbornly refuse to hear someone else's side on issues. I pray that all people would adopt open-mindedness, and I pray especially for those who represent the love and mercy of the Lord on this earth. May we be a testimony of God's love and mercy and grace through our actions and our words. May we work for his will to be done, not by force, but by love, through our demeanors, hearts, actions, and words.

Am I human?

Today, the ridiculous amount of hard work and hours I have paid thousands of dollars to participate in has come to its culmination. Today I turned in my last take-home final and finished taking my last written final in class. After being hunched over my books, computer, music, and worksheets, meeting with groups for projects, meeting with professors, sending e-mails until my account limit was used up, scheduling every hour of my day, avoiding apathy, caring about grades, tests, papers, homework, portfolios, recitals, performances, forcing myself to be motivated and to make my mind go on when I was exhausted mentally already, I felt robotic, like I was just doing the routine, putting as much of my metallic heart and soul into my work that I could, often feeling like it was ineffective.

I finished my last final this morning (in fifteen minutes, if that tells you how much I was ready to be done), and while I was walking back to my apartment I realized it was a beautiful, warm morning. I decided that I would go rollerblading. I have not done many things that are active (or fun) this year, except intramural basketball, so I was pretty wobbly, but I made it around campus. Right when I was finishing my loop and going uphill, I fell. I wasn't even going too fast; I must have tripped over a stick or something. It hurt only a little, and I was able to get right up and continue on until I got to my apartment.

It was such a perfect reminder of my humanity, though. I was bleeding. I felt pain. I felt my leg muscles aching. I felt my pride hurting because I had fallen in front of the largest boys' dorm. The great thing about it all was that I FELT. I was feeling. I was a feeling human being after living like a robot for so long. Pretty consistently for at least the past three years, although I did have moments of humanity in there.

Thinking about it more, I displayed my humanity a lot. Having to pray through most of my college experience helps bring me back to the reality that I am not, in fact, a robot. I am a person who cannot do everything by myself, despite how much independence I have gained in the past four years. I am someone with emotion, with weakness, with needs, with limits, and God takes me farther when I cannot meet my goals alone. His strength has been my own, and I thank everyone who has been praying for me during my college years. Scripture says that the prayer of righteous man is powerful and effective. I'm definitely coming to understand the reality of that verse in the Bible.

After hard times pass, I usually have a hard time remembering them. Life lessons are often hard for me to learn the first time. You can ask my friends about that one. I come to them with the same complaints and worries about my circumstances and situations. It helps me to write about them in my journal and my blog. I know I have to remember that I am weak and need help, otherwise I will just continue to go through cycles of "I can do this by myself" and "Actually, I am really not in control of my circumstances, and it is a blessing to be where I am."

I know being aware of my vulnerability will always be something I will have to be working on because I can be so independent and self-determined. Pride in those things is a sin, and God needs me to rely on Him so that my life can be used for His purposes, which are obviously more noble and good than mine. His purposes for people's lives always will be better than any good lives we try to live on this earth. We could be doing all the good in the world, and we could get to heaven's gates and God could tell us, "Yes, but you were doing it all because you wanted to feel good about yourself, not because you wanted me to get glory and for people to come to me." So challenging. I hope that you can be challenged to think about this, too.

Mystery

Written in July 0f 2008 after visiting Springfield, IL with my family for a Lincoln educational trip during Independence Day weekend. I felt like I was in a rut at the time, and studying American history of Lincoln's time led me to ponder the mysteries of death and war and faith and people.

How mysterious our world and lives are!

I feel that humans could never come to a completely numbed, unaware stage of existence without taking that mystery away. Death provides us with wonder, along with feelings that sting more as we are living someone else’s death. As long as there is death, there is human wonderment, unless we took that away by dehumanizing death, which could happen. But it is not likely that all humans could relate to death in that unnatural, dehumanized state.
Something inside of our souls longs for mystery.

I find mystery in my faith in God, which sometimes frustrates me. Religion seems to offer us all the answers, but faith really provides us with more unknowns and mystery than we bargained for when we came to it. And beauty, what mystery there is when one person may perceive something as beautiful and another perceives beauty as its opposite.

How many people do I know who want to seem mysterious, when really they reveal themselves through relationship? True, humans are complex and none but God can ever fully know one’s heart. I think we can (and should) find a new understanding of human mystery within that relationship revelation and complexity, though. As someone grows to know someone else, more things seem to present themselves as unknown. The mystery grows as one continues to seek to bring light to it. We peel the layers only to discover that one less penetrable lies beneath, so we start peeling the next one. We desire that relational revelation because we know what mystery comes with it. Successful marriages are a prime example of this; those couples that only continue to grow in love for one another understand that mystery grows as more things are revealed. It’s quite the paradox, actually.

And what about love. How much more mystery can one thing contain? Humans all long for it above all other things. Books, movies, television shows... most all media explores the mystery of love and how we can attain an understanding of it, but again, as it reveals itself, we become more perplexed.

God’s love. Back to my faith. Maybe I am feeling so disconnected from God because I have failed to recognize the mystery that is involved in my faith. This past weekend at the museums in Springfield, I gained more knowledge and only found myself more puzzled. Maybe I am trying to simplify things that I can never actually comprehend.

Questioning the mystery of my faith and the facts about the world I have absorbed is not a terrible thing, though. It’s not something that should worry me into losing faith because I am further exploring the mystery of life, humankind, and God. As I continue to explore, more will be revealed, if all the things I have talked about are true (which, judging by my own experiences and those of others, they are true). Knowing the answers and feeling secure and comfortable is not the end, but more the means to an end. In comfort, we must expect that at some point we will no longer be comfortable so that we can truly appreciate every comfortable moment of our lives for what it is worth.

All along I’ve been asking myself what I need to do to get out of this rut. Well, maybe I’m not in a rut at all. I should be appreciating and pondering this mysteriously uncomfortable time. The limit of humankind. The faithfulness of God, even when he seems yet farther in my mind. Knowledge is power, worldly power, but blind faith is a power given by God’s love to his people, which includes me.

I really desire to love all people the way that all people should be loved: abundantly, unconditionally, and equally. God give me the strength. I know that love is what all people long for and need. That need and that love are both mysterious.