To Live

a poem (aka an excuse to post beautiful pictures from my past experiences while reflecting on images evoked by words)

I want to live a life that pops and bursts with life and color, boldness and passion.


I want to live in peace and comfort, knowing that I am safe.


I want to live a life that's complex but complete, beautiful but not necessarily tidy.



I want to live as one who steps slowly, feeding my senses, taking all things in and moving in ways of harmony with my world.




I want to live with relinquished control but power to choose and change.



I want to live with laughter, tears, and blood-- the ability to feel and simply know.


I want to live within myself while caring for those outside.


I want to live like my desires are a part of something bigger and better than myself.



I want to live so that I can die and leave behind all the things that hold me back.


To live is to die, and to die is gain.

My life is a prayer, the secrets I reveal in vain.

Lord, teach me how to love like you love me.

There's a line in a popular worship song that mirrors my prayer, and sometimes when I have sung that song, the line gets lost amongst other glimpses of humanity's ardor manifested through that song. Today, though, I see clearly that I am loved. Some days it is less clear to me than others. Some days I see how people love me. Some days I have a hard time seeing any love around me. Today, I trust the invisible promise of love from God. Sounds so weird. Some days I scoff at such a statement, but it resonates and reverberates in my heart chambers today.

Today was really an ordinary day. Actually it was a little less than the ordinary day. It's my first day back after Spring Break-- feeling tired, overwhelmed, inadequate, self-conscious, not confident, not outgoing. I just felt blah. The weather today was also blah.

At the school in which I am teaching, I feel really out of place. All the teachers are at least married, most have children or are in the process of having children (One just came back from a maternity leave, I am subbing for one currently on maternity leave, and at least two women are currently pregnant). Stories of daycare, family vacations, sickness traveling around the school and teachers' homes all abound in the lunchroom, and today was no exception. The latest buzz was all of their fabulous Spring Break trips and what fabulous trips they were planning on taking once the school year is over...

I simply cannot relate to most of the people I work with.

I am poor, single, childless, houseless, vacationless, etc. I sit nearly silent at lunch everyday. I sit and think about my work and my students and how I can be a better teacher or at least survive this year and do an okay job. I have a hard time making conversation with other teachers unless it's about my schedule or my students. I feel isolated because hardly anyone knows what to say to me either. I can't blame them, since the street clearly runs both ways.

Only one person even inquired about my Spring Break, which really was okay considering my Spring Break was a bit low on the fabulous scale. I went back home to visit my family, who I haven't seen since Christmas. Sounded like a needed time. My few days there ended with a family feud rehashed and my person completely torn apart. The drive back was beautiful, and I was graciously awaiting my personal space and safe haven again, despite the fact that also meant loads of work to catch up on (what I did not do on my Spring Break despite my intentions) and back to waking up early to be at school and work some more.

Dublin, Ireland

An edifice demolished by a heavy tidal wave. A man crushed by the weight of his own world. A girl trapped in and trying to push free from the mistakes of those who raised her. It's heavy. And it hurts.

But there is hope because I am not crushed by the weight of everything I carry, even though it feels like I could and should be. There is hope because despite all of this heaviness, I keep going and learning and changing. Perseverance begets character. Giving up is not an option because I am learning how to grieve and let go of control when I know I am only trying to manipulate what I can't really control. Within my sauntering steps, I hear faint music that keeps my heart beating steady and my feet moving forward. That music drives out fear, and the melody is a selfless, unconditional, untainted, un-human love--the only kind of love that is reliable. It comes from a reliable, trustworthy source. He never fails those who seek him. He holds us closely when everyone else ignores us. I want to love like him.

My life is vain, yet he loves me.

Ecclectic Evening Post

This post, similarly to my last post, is one of little continuity and form. I like it that way. Here are some things that have been speaking to my heart:

1. I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day moment when I was subbing in a Kindergarten classroom on Monday. Mostly all of the students had made little paper bags for their "mailboxes" and brought in valentines to share with their classmates. One little boy wasn't there the day they had made the bags, so I gave him a plastic bag to use. Since his bag wasn't put out on display like everyone else's, I think that his valentines got put either into random bags or thrown away. He ended up with only about three valentines in his bag. Later in the afternoon, we had a time to dump out the valentines and look at all of them, and I was teasing the kids because I hadn't gotten any valentines. That same little boy heard me say, "Well, where's my valentines? Don't I get a valentine from anyone?" and he came over and handed me one of his. He said, in the sweetest little voice, "Here, I kept this one safe for you." My heart melted, and I even felt a bit guilty because I obviously hadn't been serious in my request for a valentine.

Out of the little he had, he gave much. It was a true-blue demonstration of real love from the sweet heart of an innocent child. So much to learn from him. ♥ ♥ ♥

2. Here are the lyrics to Sufjan Stevens's song "Enchanting Ghost" from his EP "All Delighted People" (which is located close to the very top of my favorite music of all time, by the way). He softly and tenderly sings my heartbreak into words and melody in this song. Read them while listening to this:

Tell me what you saw in me

And I'll try to replicate it with a scene

Mm-mmm

If it troubles you to breathe

Wait a moment; I could change the scenery

Don't carry on carrying efforts, no no, oh oh oh oh

Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow

And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh

Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

Mm-mmm

It's only that I meant to bring
Love and liveliness to your breast on the scene
Mm-mmm
Did you cut your hands on me?
Are my edges sharp? Am I pest to feed?

Don't carry on carrying regrets, oh no oh oh oh
Somewhere there's a room for us to speak alone
And if it grieves you to stay here, just go, oh oh oh oh
For I have no spell on you, it's all a ghost
Mm-mmm

I still have the things you gave me
Four anointing oils, the paper weight you made
Mm-mmm
For sure I haven't carried them
Or buried them in the name of your ghost, my friend

Don't carry on carrying efforts: Don't go! No oh oh oh
Stay with me until I sleep within your host
Or if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh
Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost
Mm-mmm

3. I just wanted to publicly declare that I am becoming increasingly excited for my friends Jillian and Owen Pye and their cutest little baby Cash to come to Indy in about a month! Owen is preparing to drop his new album on February 22nd, and then they are all heading out to tour the country. They are making a stop here, and Owen's performing a house show in Fountain Square. I'm excited to spend time with lovely people from home who love art and music like I do. It will be a great weekend with genuinely precious people, and you should come down to Indy to see his show on March 13!

Check out Owen's music and tour details on his website and check out Jillian's lovely etsy shop and her beautiful blog,

Also, here's the recently released stop-motion music video that utilizes both Owen's talent (musical) and Jillian's talents (designing and storywriting):

4. I love that I am constantly learning about my faith and how I interact with God. Today, I read this article about some important lessons that the disciple Thomas teaches us. I found it to be a really fresh analysis of a familiar character's story. 

5. Two goals I set for myself this week are to finish my knitted blanket by hand-sewing some pom-pom trim on it and to invest in one or two board games for entertaining the comp'ny. I achieved the first one today, and it felt so good to accomplish something even though I didn't go to work. A lot of times I lazy away the days that I don't sub. Not today, friends, not today!

True Friend?

Source

I have been struggling in a relationship with a "friend" of mine...I don't know whether to call her my friend or not because I haven't really decided if I like her or not...hence, the struggle.

Her name is Grief. What? You know her? I thought you might...

Grief is not the life of the party...not that fun to have around or keep around...

But, sometimes she is so good for me. Grief knows how to push me into places that I am too fearful to venture into. She doesn't just leave me there, either. She helps me move forward. I have always realized these things about Grief's character, and usually I am pretty good at being friends with most people. In the past I have chosen to embrace Grief, despite her overall nature of making people cry, scream, fall, question, doubt, run, etc. I know that she brings truth, that reality that is many times too hard for me to realize on my own, but lately I have been avoiding Grief. I know. I am a terrible person for trying to avoid her. I have just not been wanting to be in the places that she often takes me. Normally, I would be totally willing, but this time, I just don't want to.

I know. I feel kind of bad. She means well. She wants to help me. Maybe I should let her into my life more. A little bit of Grief can't hurt, right?

Wrong. Grief hurts. A lot. And that hurt doesn't usually go away so quickly. Maybe I have been avoiding the grieving process because I know how much energy and time and life it takes out of me. Maybe it's because I know how much I hurt and how much crying I would need to do before the grieving was over. I am fearful of entering a state of depression or of facing my hurt at all.

The reality of the situation, though, is that Grief needs to come over to my apartment and hang out with me for a little while. She always knows the right time to leave, and she usually brings her delightful friend Hope with her when she visits me. The reality of the situation is that I am hurting. I am not the only one hurting.

I have spent a bit of time during the past few months telling myself, "This is not how it was supposed to be. This is not what I intended to make of this situation at all. It's chaos. It's fallen apart. It was beautiful, and now when I try to fix anything, it falls apart in my hands." I only let those thoughts linger for a moment before seeking out an escape from them. Those are the reality, though. I am not in control, and when I try to be in control, I royally screw things up. I am not in charge of my future. I cannot control other people and make them into what I think they should and could be. Wake up call-- I am not God. I should not try to BE God.

As I said before, I am not the only one hurting in this whole thing. God and Grief are actually (unfortunately? fortunately?) pretty good friends ever since Adam and Eve took that big step toward their demise. And Cain and Abel. And Lot. And Judah. And David. And Solomon. And all those other people that tried to please God, but still inevitably screwed up their lives. God grieves over the world and the trouble that inhabits it. God grieved when he saw that no one on the earth was pursuing Him except for Noah. God grieved when he saw that he had to flood the entire earth. God grieves with every small and large scandal, violence, war, hatred, prejudice, immorality, unjustness that happens on this side of heaven.

God grieves and says, "This is not how it was supposed to be. This is not what I intended to make of this situation at all. It's chaos. It's fallen apart. It was beautiful, and now when I try to fix anything, people rip it apart in my hands." God places us and sets us up for the greatest good we could ever know, and we run away in fear, wanting to control it because it feels safer to us. Then we end up in the ditch wondering how we got there and why God has left us. God did not leave. I left and refused to admit my fear. God grieves for me, even if I can't muster up the courage to accept the fact that I should be grieving, too.

So now it begins. Decidedly. I am going to send Grief an invitation into my life so that I can move forward, relinquish whatever control I am deceiving myself to have, and let God direct my path. Grief will help me scramble out of the thorny bushes, out of my embarrassment, and back into the warmth of the light peeking through the storm clouds and shining on the path.

Grief, want to be my friend again, if only for a time?