Fall Fiction

The leaves crunched under the rubber soles of her shoes as she carefully and swiftly walked across the greenish-brown lawn on the south side of the park property. The sun was shining and the sky was so blue it made the sun shine brighter, enough to make her slip on her sunglasses as she eyed a nearby tree to sit under. She noticed a woman on the far side of the lawn painting or drawing a landscape and a young couple walking a small dog. It was a beautiful day to be outside and to be inspired.

She rolled out her patchwork blanket under the medium-large tree she found. There was nothing unordinary about this tree, as all the trees in the park were medium-large and losing their leaves as this one was. After unrolling her blanket, she sat to observe and to soak up the sunshine a little while longer. She saw a few more people jogging and walking along the path. She could hear children laughing and shouting, and she strained her eyes to see bits of the playground through the line of trees to her right. The sun warmed her, and she peeled off her sweater before unlatching her case and removing her instrument.

She wondered if she would write a new song about this day: the weather, the unspoken stories of the people around her, or the animals that she had observed. Maybe she would sing a familiar song and someone would walk by and sing along silently. Maybe she would sing a song that was familiar to herself so she could be alone. She laid her fingers across the strings and started playing a melancholy song. The enigma of the melody twisted around her hand, went straight into her heart where it lingered only for a few seconds before bumping off her tongue and exiting through her teeth as words. The words flowed naturally, as if someone was whispering them for her to repeat for the birds or the dogs or the people around her to hear but not fully understand.

The Mask I wear becomes me.
I become the Mask I wear.
They don’t really know.
They don’t care to know.
Their Masks become them, too.

You are you and I am me.
You be you, and I’ll be me.
Do what’s you,
Be who you want to be,
Set free.
Then we can be we,
When you are you and I am me.

Ch, Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes!

If you put many of the thoughts I have all together and made a movie out of it, it would be one of those ultra-cheesy sentimental flicks, the kind that I wouldn't even bother seeing! haha I am a highly emotional and sentimental person, whether I let onto it or not. I love nostalgia and fairy tales and dreaming about the future and reminiscing about the past and letting my imagination run wild and free. I know why I get along better with kids than adults now. :)

I consider Friday (yesterday) as marking my last day of my "college years." As my work day was coming to a close and I was sweeping up the craft area in the Activity Hall at camp, I reflected on the summer. I had a wonderful summer doing some of my most loved hobbies: being with kids, teaching, and arts and crafts. I worked with some very sweet and wonderful people, who I wish I could have more time with to get to know them better and build more friendships. I have my favorite campers and the ones who may not be my favorite who have made improvements this summer in their behavior and in their fight against a disability. I had wonderful "Counselors-in-Training" that had fun with me and even confided in me by asking for relationship advice. I woke up every morning in a lovely routine to come into my own space, to organize and plan, and to think creatively about my interactions with the kids. I had freedom and flexibility of hours so I could visit faraway friends and just get a day off when I was feeling overwhelmed. I repeat myself: what a great summer.

Things change from here. Not only is my summer ending, but with that ending comes many other ends.

I will no longer make the drive in mid-August to move back into my dorm or apartment at Taylor. I will no longer be sitting in the ever-familiar music building, aka my home away from home. I will never be living in a close-knit community of students and teachers who are committed Christ-followers at Taylor University. I will not come home after classes are over to work a summer job, only to save up some pocket cash for the year.

I am preparing to embark on what I believe to be a great adventure, filled with tons of details and plans that are unknown to me. I am moving away from home, hopefully permanently, and looking to start my life as an adult. There are some details I do know: I know I will be living in an apartment in Indianapolis and student teaching there for the next six months, but after that I really have no idea! It's crazy!

Even though I am looking back on my "college years" and feeling quite nostalgic, I remind myself that I will be meeting new people and kids and hopefully finding a new church and hopefully finding a job that will fulfill my movement into adulthood.

I do have some worries, even though I try to keep my optimism up. I worry that some detail of my life won't be "as good as it could have been" in my mind-- again I'm the dreamer and the idealist who has high expectations for my future-- but then I remember that God is in the business of making all things good, even if those things seem bad to me or hard--
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

God is faithful and provides a way for me to keep going even into the unknown--
"In this way his love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."

In about five days, the things in my life that will be new will outnumber the things in my life that will be old and familiar. That is pretty intimidating. I am so ready to be somewhere and stay there for a while, building some kind of permanent (or at least semi-permanent) life there. I want to settle down and become an adult and find a job and live life. The problem for me is that I don't know when all of that will happen. I hope that when I search for jobs come January I will be able to find something that will allow me to stay there. I don't know, however, if that will happen. Thinking about the possibility of me leaving Indy again to come live back at home makes me very anxious. I want to be away and living my life on my own. Again, God knows me and my heart, and God will provide the way for me to live in peace--
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Jesus is the best at making me feel more at ease. Listen to his straight forward message:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you willw ear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'Waht shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry bout tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So true. Even though I have my worries, I don't doubt that God will carry me through and will not give me more than I can handle. He is always teaching me something and helping me grow into a better person outside of my natural tendencies and personality, which can often be uncomfortable but not unbearable. O, how he loves us so...

Even though the majority of changes that seem to be taking place in my life are circumstantial (which is a big enough adjustment alone), I am also asking God to make some heart and mind changes in me as well. This is truly a new beginning for me. If you do pray, please pray that I would learn how to let God truly dwell in my life and transform and renew me as he is transforming my circumstances. Also pray that my change in circumstances is not too overwhelming and that I will rely upon God for any and all strength. Thank you for reading and praying--I love you!

In light of upcoming festivities--

I had a short conversation today with one of my co-workers who is here from Colombia just to work with the YMCA. Some kind of partnership program. She was telling me about how excited she will be when she gets home and she can eat her mom's food, etc. She said how weird it is that once you are away from your country, you miss it and love it so much more. I commented to her about how when I leave the US I don't feel that way because of the reputation of the US across the world, the wealth we have, and the corruption and brokenness here.

My friend opened up my eyes. She started saying that of course there are tough things going on in Colombia, too, but she is still proud to be Colombian and proud of her country. Drug-trafficking, corrupt politicians who are murderers and thieves, all the turmoil that is going on doesn't take away the fact that there are really great people and great places of beauty in Colombia.

I am generally pretty cynical towards America, but this really made me think. I can still be patriotic without supporting everything that people in my country do. Sometimes I am so black and white in my thinking that I forget things like this. I think that also if I had traveled a lot more growing up and had met a lot more people and seen a lot more places that I would have been able to see that I can love this country and be proud of some things about this country. There are traditions that I resonate with and other I do not, and that is okay, but I should probably embrace the good things about my country and not be such a stick in the mud.



Maybe my perspective is being opened and shaped into something new. I am definitely okay with that. Maybe my opinions of other things will start to change...hmm, maybe I still think that Miss America pageants are celebrating moderate narcissism and surface level beauty...maybe I need to look more into it. Thanks to my co-worker for helping me get in a good mindset for the upcoming patriotic holiday. Thanks to those who have served our country in wars (especially those who had been drafted into war) even though I may not always support war itself. Thank you to those who founded our nation, even though sometimes that foundation is misinterpreted into modern religious, ethnic, and other types of discrimination. Thank you to all who work to make this country better even when it is so easy to get bogged down by all the disagreements, division, and all the other messed up stuff that goes on here.

I am learning to be a patriot. After all, this is my home.




Interesting article and comments at the bottom.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/22131-the-idolatry-of-patriotism

Ah, Beauty!

Today's the day- the post about beauty. I didn't know when this day would come, but it has sneaked up on me and arrived with haste!

Beauty, ah, sweet Beauty. What is it? Is it a perfect green lawn? Or is it Mozart? Is it da Vinci or Rembrandt? Is it old or new? Is it Hatebreed or Dennison Whitmer? Is it straight white teeth and tan skin? Is it golden pie crusts or the smell of apples and cinnamon? Is it lipstick or fashion or long hair or short hair? Is it the Fibonacci sequence or the golden rectangle? Is it color schemes or shapes or vibrato on the sweetest violin?



Let me explain to you that not one of these things is beauty. Beauty is lying in the tension. Beauty is feeling uncomfortable and knowing that something good will come of it. Beauty is realizing that suffering and pain bring about character and faith. Beauty lies within our creator and his creation, but beauty itself is God himself. He is perfect and we will never be, but when we strive to be like him, we find beauty there. Beauty is tough and sometimes bloody and broken. Beauty is found in darkness, when the light shines through. Beauty is in the everyday mundane moments. Beauty is both sadness and happiness. Beauty is both frustration and resolution. Beauty is risking and vulnerability and seeking the unknown. Beauty is wonder and humility and realizing just how small we are.

Beauty is not a false perception of reality, but beauty is realizing that reality is both the positive and the negative.

So much of what we perceive to be beautiful is based upon a subjective view of beauty-- you either like broccoli or you don't. You like classical music or you don't. You like art or you don't. The thing about subjective views is that they can change. I used to like listening to Mozart a lot, and now I don't. I used to hate avant-guarde composers and their music, but now that I understand it better I don't.

Beauty is constant, whether we recognize it as such or not. Beauty lies in everything that happens and everything that surrounds us, and often the way we perceive things is subjective so we fail to see that things are actually beautiful when they are.

What can we know about someone by looking at them or observing some of their behaviors? Do you know anyone who seemed ugly until you got to know them? Or people that seemed perfectly beautiful, but then they showed their weakness and it seemed ugly to you? People who portray themselves a certain way when they are actually different from that image can actually be saturating themselves in what seems to be ugliness and are actually failing to revel in the beauty of their lives. I know people like that, and speaking of "those people," I am one of them, especially when beauty comes to me in discomfort. I don't want to view the beauty in my life subjectively because I know my perception can be faulty. I continue to pray for humility and an open heart in those moments because I know that God is always growing me and teaching me through those times of discomfort. He is good and never fails at anything. That is an extreme statement, but it's so true. Knowing God's character helps me not to give up when times are so rough.

That, my dear friends, is beauty. Beauty lies in that place of deep understanding and trust in One who is perfect and good.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"


The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.