If you put many of the thoughts I have all together and made a movie out of it, it would be one of those ultra-cheesy sentimental flicks, the kind that I wouldn't even bother seeing! haha I am a highly emotional and sentimental person, whether I let onto it or not. I love nostalgia and fairy tales and dreaming about the future and reminiscing about the past and letting my imagination run wild and free. I know why I get along better with kids than adults now. :)
I consider Friday (yesterday) as marking my last day of my "college years." As my work day was coming to a close and I was sweeping up the craft area in the Activity Hall at camp, I reflected on the summer. I had a wonderful summer doing some of my most loved hobbies: being with kids, teaching, and arts and crafts. I worked with some very sweet and wonderful people, who I wish I could have more time with to get to know them better and build more friendships. I have my favorite campers and the ones who may not be my favorite who have made improvements this summer in their behavior and in their fight against a disability. I had wonderful "Counselors-in-Training" that had fun with me and even confided in me by asking for relationship advice. I woke up every morning in a lovely routine to come into my own space, to organize and plan, and to think creatively about my interactions with the kids. I had freedom and flexibility of hours so I could visit faraway friends and just get a day off when I was feeling overwhelmed. I repeat myself: what a great summer.
Things change from here. Not only is my summer ending, but with that ending comes many other ends.
I will no longer make the drive in mid-August to move back into my dorm or apartment at Taylor. I will no longer be sitting in the ever-familiar music building, aka my home away from home. I will never be living in a close-knit community of students and teachers who are committed Christ-followers at Taylor University. I will not come home after classes are over to work a summer job, only to save up some pocket cash for the year.
I am preparing to embark on what I believe to be a great adventure, filled with tons of details and plans that are unknown to me. I am moving away from home, hopefully permanently, and looking to start my life as an adult. There are some details I do know: I know I will be living in an apartment in Indianapolis and student teaching there for the next six months, but after that I really have no idea! It's crazy!
Even though I am looking back on my "college years" and feeling quite nostalgic, I remind myself that I will be meeting new people and kids and hopefully finding a new church and hopefully finding a job that will fulfill my movement into adulthood.
I do have some worries, even though I try to keep my optimism up. I worry that some detail of my life won't be "as good as it could have been" in my mind-- again I'm the dreamer and the idealist who has high expectations for my future-- but then I remember that God is in the business of making all things good, even if those things seem bad to me or hard--
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
God is faithful and provides a way for me to keep going even into the unknown--
"In this way his love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."
In about five days, the things in my life that will be new will outnumber the things in my life that will be old and familiar. That is pretty intimidating. I am so ready to be somewhere and stay there for a while, building some kind of permanent (or at least semi-permanent) life there. I want to settle down and become an adult and find a job and live life. The problem for me is that I don't know when all of that will happen. I hope that when I search for jobs come January I will be able to find something that will allow me to stay there. I don't know, however, if that will happen. Thinking about the possibility of me leaving Indy again to come live back at home makes me very anxious. I want to be away and living my life on my own. Again, God knows me and my heart, and God will provide the way for me to live in peace--
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Jesus is the best at making me feel more at ease. Listen to his straight forward message:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you willw ear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'Waht shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry bout tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
So true. Even though I have my worries, I don't doubt that God will carry me through and will not give me more than I can handle. He is always teaching me something and helping me grow into a better person outside of my natural tendencies and personality, which can often be uncomfortable but not unbearable. O, how he loves us so...
Even though the majority of changes that seem to be taking place in my life are circumstantial (which is a big enough adjustment alone), I am also asking God to make some heart and mind changes in me as well. This is truly a new beginning for me. If you do pray, please pray that I would learn how to let God truly dwell in my life and transform and renew me as he is transforming my circumstances. Also pray that my change in circumstances is not too overwhelming and that I will rely upon God for any and all strength. Thank you for reading and praying--I love you!