Fear and Rationality

Wow it has been about 4 months since my last post! So sad. But it goes to show my schedule and abilities to endeavor into my creative outlets (aka that endeavor does not exist). I have not, however, stopped thinking.


This brain is like a train line, always moving, sometimes on schedule, sometimes a bit off. If thinking could be classified as a spiritual gift, I would say that I possess it. Along with the ability to think and analyze comes an understanding of most possible outcomes in situations. When I consider everything that could possibly happen in all situations of my life I run myself pretty ragged, engendering fear and anxiety that paralyzes. Luckily, after 23 years of life, I have learned to cope somewhat, especially in the last few years thanks to the help of counselors (official and unofficial) and some very loving friends. As I have breached the surface of my unbridled sea of anxiousness, I have noticed that I am not the only one who suffers with this crippling fear. There are many of us! It's so weird how alone I felt in my anxiety, especially alienated by the ones closest to me who suffered from their own anxieties. It's quite maddening.

Nevertheless, I have emerged from beneath the abyss, and now I am prepared to gaze at the reflection permanently situated on the surface. Fear and anxiety are not the way we are meant to live. They trap creativity and the ability to take risks in any situation. I was raised to be not only cautious always, but never to take risks. Always seek comfort and success because you wouldn't want to embarass yourself by looking like you don't have it all together. I don't know that my family meant me that harm, but that is how it manifested, and I can't help but think about the countless children that I have see, am seeing, and will see in my life. Am I continuing the vicious cycle of imparting my own anxiety into future generations? The short answer is no. The long answer follows.

I currently work at a preschool that is rooted in the Montessori Method of education. For those of you who are Montessori ignorant (as I was before I started working there), basically speaking it is a method of educating based on scientific and developmental research that promotes independently paced learning based on student interest and motivation. We structure everything logically, focusing mainly on one aspect of learning at a time, with self-checks so that the kids can know when they do a work correctly or incorrectly. Direct feedback during the learning process. It is pretty amazing-- we have a few 4 year-olds who are delving into material that is first grade level work, and I think those children would have been overlooked and simply out of luck in the regular classroom (or regular preschool, for that matter).

Within the idea of logical learning, we use every moment in our daily life as a moment to learn. A kid is throwing a fit because he doesn't want to put his coat on before we go outside...unfortunately, it's not an option for him to stay inside because it is our outside time where the whole class goes outside. He consequently has two options-- he can put his coat on and come outside, or he can not put his coat and come outside. The teacher has many other students to attend to, so the option of the teacher fighting him to put his coat on is, in fact, not an option. The kid chooses to stand behind his decision to not put his coat on, he goes outside, he's very cold, he learns that it is his responsibility to keep himself warm by putting on his coat. Parents sometimes come into the picture not understanding how we do things, and they get upset to see how we handle a situation (especially the coat issue) because of course every parent wants their child to be comfortable and successful (my parents are exhibit A up above). The thing is, parents, you aren't promoting the best for your child if you aren't helping them think logically for themselves. Independent thinking allows for innovation and creativity, and if we stifle their opportunities to learn, especially at this formative age, we are not enabling or empowering them.

It seems to me that we all entertain irrational fears: fear of spiders, fear of snakes, fear of bugs, fear of heights, fear of mice in your house, fear of dogs, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of embarassment, etc. These fears very well may be rooted in experience, but a lot of times those experiences are not consistent in our lives. I fear failing because I think people would not see me as a competent individual and that they would stop believing that I could make a difference in the world and in people's lives. That affects my whole life. But it's not rational. What people think of me only determines my fate to a certain extent-- I may not get that job that I wanted or I may lose the job I have, I may lose a friend or get a bad grade. Ultimately, my life would move forward, and I would forget about all of those things. Our fears are irrational whether they are rooted in experience or not.

Necessary Christian Connection (and the reason why I have been able to move forward in my anxiety issues)
God calls us to love and be loved and that perfect love, which he offers us, casts out fear. So why is it that some Christians I know are also the most insecure people I know? Shouldn't we look different from the rest of our society because our hope  rests in something so much bigger than our fears? I think most would say yes, but most don't know how to pull themselves out of their fears. That's where our community comes in. The church body that is promoted all throughout the New Testament. We are called to sharpen one another, to rebuke one another, to encourage one another, to speak truth in love to one another. Never are we called to propagate fear in one another or distance ourselves from one another or live alone.

That's where my mission comes in. Our school is that community for these kids. I have been put on this earth and in this particular job to help children see that they are safe and loved, if not all the time, at least by me. It's very difficult to promote that and live that lifestyle out fully and consistently because I am broken and still struggling with my own issues, but I have seen the benefit already of the little bit that I am able to do to help them. They are beautiful people already because my fellow teachers and I challenge them to think, to talk, to act, to deal with their emotions, and to walk through life logically for the purpose of staying grounded and doing their best. They are satisfied and proud that they can solve their own fights with friends and figure work out on their own. They are empowered and enabled, the lack of which is the plight of those impoverished in this world. I am thankful that I get this opportunity to help change the world in whatever small way God empowers and enables me.

My life is a prayer, the secrets I reveal in vain.

Lord, teach me how to love like you love me.

There's a line in a popular worship song that mirrors my prayer, and sometimes when I have sung that song, the line gets lost amongst other glimpses of humanity's ardor manifested through that song. Today, though, I see clearly that I am loved. Some days it is less clear to me than others. Some days I see how people love me. Some days I have a hard time seeing any love around me. Today, I trust the invisible promise of love from God. Sounds so weird. Some days I scoff at such a statement, but it resonates and reverberates in my heart chambers today.

Today was really an ordinary day. Actually it was a little less than the ordinary day. It's my first day back after Spring Break-- feeling tired, overwhelmed, inadequate, self-conscious, not confident, not outgoing. I just felt blah. The weather today was also blah.

At the school in which I am teaching, I feel really out of place. All the teachers are at least married, most have children or are in the process of having children (One just came back from a maternity leave, I am subbing for one currently on maternity leave, and at least two women are currently pregnant). Stories of daycare, family vacations, sickness traveling around the school and teachers' homes all abound in the lunchroom, and today was no exception. The latest buzz was all of their fabulous Spring Break trips and what fabulous trips they were planning on taking once the school year is over...

I simply cannot relate to most of the people I work with.

I am poor, single, childless, houseless, vacationless, etc. I sit nearly silent at lunch everyday. I sit and think about my work and my students and how I can be a better teacher or at least survive this year and do an okay job. I have a hard time making conversation with other teachers unless it's about my schedule or my students. I feel isolated because hardly anyone knows what to say to me either. I can't blame them, since the street clearly runs both ways.

Only one person even inquired about my Spring Break, which really was okay considering my Spring Break was a bit low on the fabulous scale. I went back home to visit my family, who I haven't seen since Christmas. Sounded like a needed time. My few days there ended with a family feud rehashed and my person completely torn apart. The drive back was beautiful, and I was graciously awaiting my personal space and safe haven again, despite the fact that also meant loads of work to catch up on (what I did not do on my Spring Break despite my intentions) and back to waking up early to be at school and work some more.

Dublin, Ireland

An edifice demolished by a heavy tidal wave. A man crushed by the weight of his own world. A girl trapped in and trying to push free from the mistakes of those who raised her. It's heavy. And it hurts.

But there is hope because I am not crushed by the weight of everything I carry, even though it feels like I could and should be. There is hope because despite all of this heaviness, I keep going and learning and changing. Perseverance begets character. Giving up is not an option because I am learning how to grieve and let go of control when I know I am only trying to manipulate what I can't really control. Within my sauntering steps, I hear faint music that keeps my heart beating steady and my feet moving forward. That music drives out fear, and the melody is a selfless, unconditional, untainted, un-human love--the only kind of love that is reliable. It comes from a reliable, trustworthy source. He never fails those who seek him. He holds us closely when everyone else ignores us. I want to love like him.

My life is vain, yet he loves me.

Love Thy Neighbor

I'm realizing more and more that I am making my blog entries about observations I make about people, mostly through facebook.

That strange fact aside, here's my latest question:
Why do people think they have to be so opinionated?

I wish we would all just see the good in the things around us and not focus on the negative and complaining so much. I especially think this should be true for Christians, who are supposedly full of grace and mercy and love. I'm taking this with a grain of salt, remembering again (as I do in most of my blog posts) that people are so not perfect. That being said, however, people should be striving for perfection. The apostle Paul clearly states that as a purpose of our life on earth.

My main focus is on politics because it's something people talk about and form opinions about a lot. I think there is very many things wrong with American government, but I have no tolerance for people being angry with the current administration (or any administration in any time) and not doing anything about it. The crappy part is that no one person can really do anything about it (unless you have the $$$$ to influence groups of people or the government). Instead, people should be looking for ways to influence their local sphere of influence in concrete ways. Inspire kids to pursue politics for the right reasons: for change for the better, for truly representing the people of the United States, to see the needs of those around him or her, to get to know his or her neighbors and neighborhoods to better represent them.

There are bigger problems in this country than Obama or the Democrats and Republicans working in Washington. The problems lie right next door. Kids' aspirations, parents' inabilities to raise their children, the money that is being sucked out of small businesses, the money that is being poured into consumerism and big business and designer brands and prestige. This country has been established for 230 years, and you would think that with all our striving for science, technology, efficiency and logical reasoning social status would be abolished.

Sometimes things in this world just don't make sense to me. It's a constant reminder of how God has set me apart from the world because I am a Christian. He has transformed and renewed my mind and my way of thinking (and for all Christians). I am able to see the big picture, and I have a perspective that I believe is one that lines up at least in some ways with God's vision for the world. But it is so frustrating to live a life seeing brokenness and being frustrated that things are not the best that they could be. This is how God sees the world, too, though I guess.

Do we realize how much we are breaking God's heart? Do we think about that when we are judging the situations around us? Do we judge with broken hearts or pride in our own way of doing and seeing things? I know this is something from which I am not exempt. I know that my perspective is not always the right way, but I live with openness to discovering the truth and the way that God intends our lives to be. I hardly ever stop and sit on an opinion, and I try really hard not to stubbornly refuse to hear someone else's side on issues. I pray that all people would adopt open-mindedness, and I pray especially for those who represent the love and mercy of the Lord on this earth. May we be a testimony of God's love and mercy and grace through our actions and our words. May we work for his will to be done, not by force, but by love, through our demeanors, hearts, actions, and words.