LadyBug

Lady bugs are flitting against my concrete ceiling right now, and I can't help but wonder why they are in my room. Are they seeking shelter for the coldness of the winter ahead? Are they sneaking and squeezing through the cracks between my screen and window sill because they see the warm yellow glow from my light fixture and can't help but believe where there is light there is heat? These lady bugs are of a most unusual shade of red, a rusty, burnt orangey-red, actually. They blend well into the fall landscape of changing leaves and browning grass I see so readily outside my window. Slowly they are crawling, exploring the crevices and chips in the white surfaces surrounding them.

Are they seeking a small hole in which to crawl and cuddle and cozy up for the cold weather? Are they looking for each other? Are they seeking to settle at all? Will they ever be satisfied, and will they rest even though they travel along the cold concrete vastness of my white ceiling and walls?

As I watch one beetle run into a friend and pause, I see him coerce his friend into moving out of the way, as not to interfere with whatever mission this beetle is on. The beetle continues walking fairly steadily and rapidly, while his friend stays still in one spot on the wall.

One bug has been beside me all day, not moving from the ceramic candy dish my sister made for me a few Christmases ago. Stubborn or scared, I wonder? I push him a little and he starts moving, searching for another safe place to lie. The edges and lumps he explore are limited, and he never leaves the safety of the cold white-colored underbelly of the ceramic lid turned upside down. Lady bugs can walk sideways and upside down, giving them the ability to explore in dimensions that humans cannot, but still what they explore are the things I can see, the things that are exposed and white-washed, sterile, safe and known.

Spirituality as Embracing Divinity

Today in my Historic Christian belief class we partook in a discussion about angels and demons, a topic that for a long time took no place in my belief system in light of my systematic rationalism and naturalism before I was a Christian. I always thought it was hokey to believe in angels and demons... well, actually I thought the idea of demons was thrilling. I have always been interested in ghosts, aliens, and spirits... TV shows and scary movies involving all of the above. Also, I love Tim Burton, Edgar Alan Poe, Frederic Chopin, Charles Baudelaire and other artists who on rainy days tend to look at the world through deeply tinted Ray-Bans (or at least with a hint of darkness).

While I explained my world away with science, there were always these things in the back of my mind, some spiritual presence that existed in the world. I would look to science to explore spirituality as well, which as a Christian now makes no sense in my mind. I have, instead, come to a much deeper understanding of the divinity of God, angelic beings, and demonic beings on this earth (including Satan himself), although these things are much different than aliens and ghosts.

I could tell you countless stories of friends and others who have had numerous experiences with the spiritual realm, but I want to share with you two experiences of my own that help me to understand the spiritual realm more deeply because I once was extremely and intensely dubious of God's power. I think a lot of Christians, even, though we may claim to believe in the spiritual realm, we truly struggle with acknowledging the divinity of God and the presence of evil forces in our lives.

This was a while ago so the details in my mind are quite foggy, but I remember going to Border's with a group of my high school friends. We were all working on homework, and a bald-headed, rosy-cheeked, sparkling older man approached us. I would guess he was in his sixties. He seemed a little crazy to us, as most elderly people often do having lost some ability to finish trains of thought and the like, but he spoke so joyfully that we couldn't help but listen. He started telling us his life story, about surviving cancer and about how God has blessed Him immensely. He couldn't contain the gospel; it poured freely from his mouth as if it were pure gold from heaven that was worth more than any gold or precious material found on earth. I wish I could remember his words so that they, too, could minister to your Spirit, but I will continue in saying that we listened intently, told him we were Christians and about God's presence in our lives, and then he bid us farewell, reminding us never to forget about the gospel and to pass it on until death requires our tongues to decay into the soil surrounding us.

Hebrews, which is a book that I value highly because the author describes in detail what faith is to look like, has a verse that one of my friends brought up after the man departed from us. Hebrews 1:2 says, "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." My friend pointed out that he very well could have been an angel. We all agreed that it could be a possibility because of the kind of presence that man demanded of us.

On the other hand, I want to explain to you a very scary experience in my life that occurred just last Spring and changed my perspective of spiritual warfare and the dark forces in this world forever. It was a very powerful and dark experience, not dark like Burton or Poe, but intense and scary. I wouldn't say that I felt threatened, but I felt more imposed upon if anything else. I carry the light of the Holy Spirit, God's own presence, within me which reminds me that I can resist demons and their power.

One Sunday night last Spring semester, my boyfriend and I had just returned from my home for Mother's Day and we had gotten into some argument that was bigger than it needed to be, which happens sometimes. In this long discussion, I fell into a line of thinking that I was worth nothing, not good enough to be dating my boyfriend. I fell into a numbness, a deeply dark depression, and for the first time in YEARS I started having serious thoughts of suicide. (SIDE NOTE: I hesitate to share that detail in the vast chasm of cyberspace, but I know that understanding the details is very important in relaying how these evil forces work in the moments when we are vulnerable to them.)

I was supposed to be meeting one of my very good friends in the Student Union that night (we were sitting right outside the Union when we started talking), but after making me promise not to do anything to myself while he was gone, my boyfriend went in to tell her about what was happening to me (I gave him permission to tell her) and that we were going to get off campus for a while. I don't remember why we were leaving campus other than I just wanted to get away. They prayed for me, and he came back out. He told me to move to the passenger side and we started driving.

This is when I started to understand what was happening. While we were driving I felt very dizzy and weak. I kept seeing intensely terrifying dark figures on each side of the road. I didn't really understand why I was afraid of them other than the fact that they just made me feel that way. They were deceptive, too, because Joe couldn't see them, but also when we would approach them and I could see them right up next to the car, they would totally shift shapes and turn into random things like trees, posts, bushes, stumps, and other things that did not resemble the shape of them that I saw before they were so close. I could not communicate during this trip but only trembled and shook and tried to cover my eyes as I wrestled with terror.

We arrived at a covered bridge in a small town near Taylor and parked the car. He asked if I wanted to get out, and I told him no, that there were some really scary things happening out there. I explained what I saw, although I was wondering myself if that had been a hallucination and if my boyfriend would believe that I truly saw what I saw. I could not explain to him the depth of the terror those things made me feel and the terror I was still feeling. I was still seeing things outside of the car, but I suddenly grew very faint and closed my eyes. I was exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually.

My boyfriend comforted me with Scripture, praying against Satan and his demons, directly quoting the word of God. In my exhaustion I wanted to lay down. He told me to lie in the backseat and sleep. I felt like I was able to step outside of the car without feeling threatened by any of the dark things so that I could climb into the backseat, and my boyfriend sat in the front with his hand on my back continuing to pray and quote scripture as I eventually fell asleep.

When I awoke, we headed back to school. I was like a rag that had been worn, torn, and rung out one too many times. Before we parted, my boyfriend prayed one last deeply loving and protective prayer over me and my experience with suicidal thoughts and the darkness that had surrounded me. He was worried that I might hurt myself in the night, but I explained to him not to worry and that God was releasing that desire from me. He left and I slept in the peace of God's comfort that night.

Even though this was the top terrifying experience of my life (more terrifying than the time I thought I was going to drown and more terrifying than any thrill from a scary movie) and I wouldn't wish suicidal thoughts or the darkness of Satan and demons upon anyone, I do desire to pray that God exposes us more frequently to these powerful experiences. This is not because of my obsession with the macabre and the disturbing, but because Christians can so easily doubt the power of Satan, the Holy Spirit. I want to be a witness to the fact that the spiritual realm is active and engaging in constant battle (although the war's been won, victory through the death of Christ--Hallelujah!). It is immensely important that we acknowledge these forces in the world because we must guard ourselves against the influence of Satan, demons, and other dark forces that hold us in bondage and make us forget the freedom we have from sin thanks to Christ's sacrifice.

I just want to reemphasize, again, that a large portion of my life was devoted to explaining things like angels and demons away with science and naturalism and that I subscribed to miracles and the like as chance. We are so blessed in the security offered by the fact that God has a purpose for each and every one of our lives, no matter how unimportant we think we are. He loves us all the same and desires the best for all of us, not just for Barack Obama or Bill Gates, but for the homeless and the restless, too. And that is not simply a feel-good message that the church attempts to share with people, but the gospel truth as experienced by many many people on earth throughout history and still today.

E-mail Written to a Friend

I wrote this e-mail today to a friend, and I have been wanting to write about the happenings at Taylor this past week, but I hadn't been able to muster up enough stamina to write all that I wished. The only thing that is lacking in this e-mail is the inexplicable joy that I felt through all this stuff happening. Read with an open heart, please, and this is probably the longest post I have written so far, just so you know! :)

Last week on Taylor’s campus was a week designated “Spiritual Renewal Week,” which, to begin with, makes me already skeptical because designating a week every semester “Spiritual Renewal Week” reminds me a lot of my church back home who designates one week a year “Revival Week,” as if revival or renewal can be a structured and planned event.

Anyway, I always come into the week as a skeptic, although I am always appreciative of the speakers during the week because they always have some good things to say. The speaker this year was especially Bible literate and used a lot of different OT and NT references in his talks. His talks were sometimes basic, but great reminders and pulled from unexpected texts. He spoke in chapel, then also Monday night. When he spoke Monday night, he spoke about participating in faith through confession, prayer, worship, etc. There was a girl who came up before he spoke to talk about foolishness in faith and how sometimes she was self-conscious of other people seeing her pray and thinking she was too radical, but how God calls us at times to look extremely ridiculous when we follow Him.

After Chris, the speaker, talked and everyone was trickling out of the chapel, a boy hopped up onto the stage, picked up the mic, and started talking nervously with a quiver in his voice. He said he was going to show us something beautiful and started talking about what a blessing his roommate was to Him in helping him battle with sin. He proceeded to talk about confession and then he told everyone who was there about sexual sin in his life, losing his virginity, etc. Immediately, about 15 other people stepped up and began confessing these really crazy things.

One guy confessed that he has been having suicidal thoughts for a long time, that his girlfriend has subscribed to a lot of the same thinking, and that they have even talked about killing other people. He talked a lot about how darkness reigns so much in his life and that he feels as though God is nowhere to be found. The pastors immediately surrounded him and prayed with him to confess Jesus as Lord over darkness, and you could hear the deep reluctance in his voice to proclaim light over darkness. It was pretty scary.

Pause: THESE KINDS OF THINGS DO NOT GET TALKED ABOUT AT TAYLOR! Taylor is a pretty conservative, non-charismatic kind of place, but many people talked about such darkness in their lives and spiritual warfare. I actually experienced one night of crazy spiritual warfare one night last year where Satan was taking over my brain and I was not stopping him. I could relate to some of the things people had been saying, but I had always been a little hesitant to ever talk about it because I am normally pretty skeptical when other people talk about spiritual warfare and other things of that nature.

Anyway, the speaker started speaking at 7:30 and our campus pastor had to dissolve the meeting at 3:30am. The night consisted of informal worship, deeply sincere prayer, and constant confession. Leaders confessed their sin because they felt they could not lead the student body and make it seem like they had it all together when sin was rampant in their lives. Women confessed and united against masturbation and pornography, which has only been spoken to male circles publicly at Taylor. Men confessed to the same things, as well. People confessed abuse and eating disorders and many, many, many people experienced broken chains and freedom from these types of bondage that night. I was blessed to be a part of the service, and although I never got up and spoke on the microphone, I prayed against sexual sin in my own life and was able to share in the burdens of everyone else who did speak. I interceded for each and every one of them, and I felt so privileged to be a part of the Christian community in that kind of role. I felt everyone’s pain and declared freedom alongside of them. It truly was beautiful. God was speaking through the first guy when he hopped up on stage and said, “I am going to show you something beautiful.”

Now here comes the hard part: My life was truly changed that night and the rest of the week. The majority of campus seems to be changed as well, although a lot of people who did not experience Monday night are very, very skeptical of the change that actually took place for fear that it was only the “summer camp phenomenon” where an emotional charge directs people for one night and no change takes place. I KNOW that the Holy Spirit was there working in people’s hearts because my heart was changed and I have spoken to many people who would say the same. We are ready to do something to fight against this sin that was confessed to help one another in the struggle and actively pursue a lifestyle that glorifies God in all ways. I have felt no discomfort approaching my brothers and sisters who spoke confessions and prayers Monday night, and we truly feel as though we ARE brothers and sisters because true community was lived out that night on such a large scale.

I am struggling with the people who are skeptical because I want them so badly to participate in what the Spirit is doing. All I feel like I can do is tell them about my experience and pray for them to be sensitive to the way the Spirit works. I do not deny that Monday night was an emotional night, but I can’t simply dismiss it as such and move on because this kind of thing NEVER happens here, people have been praying for a true revival on this campus, I know my heart and the hearts of others have been changed, and the repercussions of the week are still making waves. There is group of women who are seeking to start a small group (which I imagine will actually become quite large) for women who have been hiding in sexual sin, masturbation, and pornography addiction.

Today was such an encouragement because your message was all about acknowledging the Spirit, trusting God in the things He is orchestrating, and choosing to participate in them as a believer. It bothers me that a lot of Christians say they believe in the Trinity—Father, Son, and HOLY SPIRIT—yet many deny the work of the Holy Spirit because it is usually so outside our understanding. The Spirit convicts in the heart and calls us to do things that are ridiculous to those who are outside of those things. How do we live in the Spirit, yet stand up against ridicule from people who say they are, too, walking with Christ and trust that His works are being done in us through the Holy Spirit. I love that a lot of people on our campus are asking questions and being careful not to subscribe to a phenomenon, but I wish that they could trust in what the Holy Spirit has begun on this campus.

Another reason your message today was encouraging was because “if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.” I don’t have to worry that people won’t get it if it is truly from God. I will continue to speak through my witness in the situations I can speak, and I will continue to pray for this campus to be in an attitude of prayer for the Spirit to continue to move even after this week has ended.

An additional thought I have been having is that the Taylor community was so hungry for this night of confession and true community because we don’t give ourselves time for it otherwise. We are TOO BUSY, and that is an understatement, my friend. Remember how I freaked out last year with busyness? Yeah, well I was not as busy as a lot of other people are. How can we MAKE time for God if we have NO time for God. How can we pause to pray if we are running on such tight schedules? The shitty part is that they are all good opportunities, but I wish Taylor could commit to a few things and many people could then be involved in one thing with all different gifts instead of offering a ridiculous amount of opportunities and expecting that every position be filled. I would like to see a survey done on the amount of one-person jobs there are in Taylor activities and how many students are here to fill those positions. I wonder what kind of ratio that would look like—I imagine it would be close to 3:1 or something. There are just too many things or students to be able to maintain balance between physical health, mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health. I have talked to a large amount of people who agree with me but don’t know really how to fight it because the Taylor community expects you to be involved in at least 3 organizations and taking at least 15 credit hours alongside those outward commitments. Also—Taylor’s academics could definitely step up a notch in difficulty. The only reason people are failing in some of the courses offered nowadays is because they are distracted by all the other things going on, which are just as important as academics to the Taylor community.

Anyway, I feel that this is a huge issue with many facets and I am overwhelmed with understanding what my role should be in this. I want to talk to administration about reducing the amount of opportunities on campus and for a deepened love for seeking God through prayer, Bible study, etc. My friend Libby talked to her church in Upland about the events of this past week, and I want to declare the work of the Spirit to the Mercy House as well, although I feel as though many people may be skeptical. I want to quit all the meaningless things I am involved with and empower others to do the same. I want to be a part of a group of women fighting against Satan and seeking healing from sexual and other sin. I want my own life to be characterized by prayer and Scripture written upon my heart and engaging in worship with not only my heart but my mind…also with not only my mind, but also my heart! I want to empower other people to do the same. God wants us to be joyful in the grace he has shown us. It’s okay to be excited to give Him praises, it is okay to feel some remorse when we realize our sin and repent. On and on.

How can I be that change? Where is this campus going to go with this realization of the Spirit’s power? How can I help people understand God’s mysteriousness through the Spirit. How can I encourage people to trust in the Spirit and help them to allow the Spirit to live within themselves.

Again, I want to say that I am normally so cautious of over-spiritualizing life, and I understand those who are skeptical, but how do I help them understand what really happened this past week?

Man, I told you it was long…thoughts?

Dreams

My dream last night was crazy awesome.

I remember some kind of Asian adventure theme, and my whole purpose was to climb this modern art, rusty metal sculpture/tower thing that was at a park or touristy looking place and figure out how the solve the mystery. I didn't know exactly what the mystery was, but I knew I would be setting someone or something free and that it would be good. Thank you Mulan airband for subconsciously rooting this storyline in my head :) For those of you who are outside the Taylor culture, airband is a lipsyching and choreographed dance competition, and my wing is doing the song "I'll Make a Man Out of You" for it.

Back to the dream:
The first time I climbed the tower, which was really tall and pretty skinny, I kept finding, at every "level" it seemed, dinner plate-sized platforms that looked like they should hold candles on them. The tower also had a couple different spires sticking up with rungs to climb, etc. It was a sweet tower.

I met different people along the way, some of which who helped me, some of which who did nothing to help me. I also remember being at Taylor, but it was a made up Taylor in my mind with really nice furniture and flat screen TVs in the study lounges on each floor. It was our first open house (just like last night was our first open house in REAL life) where guys can visit and hang out at girls' dorms, and I remember running up and down the stairwells looking for someone in particular whom I knew would help me. I have no idea who it was specifically, but it was someone.

Eventually, I met up with some Taylor hall directors and other staff who helped me to realize that not only do I need to climb the tower, but I also have to light a candle and place upon the platform at the very top of the tower. It couldn't be just any candle either, I had to find THE candle, which was hidden somewhere. The people who were helping me helped me find out where the candle was hidden, and by the time I had found it, time was running out. I remember frantically trying to find someone in the park who was lighting a cigarette so that I could light the candle and then trying so carefully to run to the tower while keeping the candle lit. My dream kind of ended there...the candle went out, but I feel like I went back to try again, and that's when I woke up.

My imagination is very enjoyable at times. I wish I remembered all the details of the story and the scenery to make it more interesting fo you to read, but this is the best I can do. I had to write it down somewhere!!!!

This Little Light of Mine

What kind of light are Christians supposed to shine? What kind of witness are we supposed to bear?

I have always been told that "they will know we are Christians by our love," but are there other ways to be "noticed" as Christians that are acceptable, pleasing, even, to God?

Should this be some kind of outward appearance: she dresses like a hippie and because there is something different about her, she shines a light for the Lord? What about other kinds of things-- she doesn't curse, so she must be a Christ-follower? He doesn't smoke or drink, so people should assume that he has the high moral standards set by the Almighty? Are we supposed to try and draw attention to ourselves for other people to witness what following God looks like?
To me this is all bollocks.

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Self-Control.

The days when I am feeling like I am walking closest with my God are the days when these characteristics, among other attitudes God's Word calls Christians to exhibit, are ruling in my life and when I am striving to follow Jesus's lifestyle and preaching. Although I find value in religious elements of my faith, rituals, traditions, and other physical reminders of my heritage as a Christian and the deeply rooted faith in which my forefathers and mothers lived and died, living as one who strives to be like Christ in my thoughts, prayers, words, and deeds is striving to live truly the way that Christ calls his followers to live.

I struggle so often feeling like I am not a good enough Christian and that others are of a deeper faith (or more shallow faith) because they put so much more emphasis upon the outward "signs" of a follower and the surface indications of a faith in the God of Israel. Truly, the Lord calls us away from judgment and to deeply examine only our own hearts and lives in order to live as an example to Christ-followers and non-believers alike.

The way God chooses to manifest himself in people's lives is going to look different from the outside, and only He can judge where someone's heart lies, although that doesn't excuse us from encouraging one another and addressing fellow believers when they need our support. I must trust that God's ways are higher than my own and that I cannot understand the ways he speaks to each one of us individually (inward general revelation, perhaps-- thank you Dr. Pak and Historic Christian Belief texts).

The only thing that matters for my own faith is that I seek God with all my heart, soul, and mind so that he can finish the good work he has begun in me, shaping me and molding me into someone who does, indeed, exhibit the characteristics of a woman who is following her God in that deep way. Even though I feel as though those godly characteristics are becoming more and more evident in my life as I seek to walk closer with God each day, I know that I, too, like all those I have observed, am still not perfect.

Almighty God is light. He lives in us as true light, and I'm gonna let it shine. I'm not gonna shine it, but I am gonna let it shine. 'Cause it will shine if I let it.

Have your way in me, Lord.

Amen.