Dreams

My dream last night was crazy awesome.

I remember some kind of Asian adventure theme, and my whole purpose was to climb this modern art, rusty metal sculpture/tower thing that was at a park or touristy looking place and figure out how the solve the mystery. I didn't know exactly what the mystery was, but I knew I would be setting someone or something free and that it would be good. Thank you Mulan airband for subconsciously rooting this storyline in my head :) For those of you who are outside the Taylor culture, airband is a lipsyching and choreographed dance competition, and my wing is doing the song "I'll Make a Man Out of You" for it.

Back to the dream:
The first time I climbed the tower, which was really tall and pretty skinny, I kept finding, at every "level" it seemed, dinner plate-sized platforms that looked like they should hold candles on them. The tower also had a couple different spires sticking up with rungs to climb, etc. It was a sweet tower.

I met different people along the way, some of which who helped me, some of which who did nothing to help me. I also remember being at Taylor, but it was a made up Taylor in my mind with really nice furniture and flat screen TVs in the study lounges on each floor. It was our first open house (just like last night was our first open house in REAL life) where guys can visit and hang out at girls' dorms, and I remember running up and down the stairwells looking for someone in particular whom I knew would help me. I have no idea who it was specifically, but it was someone.

Eventually, I met up with some Taylor hall directors and other staff who helped me to realize that not only do I need to climb the tower, but I also have to light a candle and place upon the platform at the very top of the tower. It couldn't be just any candle either, I had to find THE candle, which was hidden somewhere. The people who were helping me helped me find out where the candle was hidden, and by the time I had found it, time was running out. I remember frantically trying to find someone in the park who was lighting a cigarette so that I could light the candle and then trying so carefully to run to the tower while keeping the candle lit. My dream kind of ended there...the candle went out, but I feel like I went back to try again, and that's when I woke up.

My imagination is very enjoyable at times. I wish I remembered all the details of the story and the scenery to make it more interesting fo you to read, but this is the best I can do. I had to write it down somewhere!!!!

This Little Light of Mine

What kind of light are Christians supposed to shine? What kind of witness are we supposed to bear?

I have always been told that "they will know we are Christians by our love," but are there other ways to be "noticed" as Christians that are acceptable, pleasing, even, to God?

Should this be some kind of outward appearance: she dresses like a hippie and because there is something different about her, she shines a light for the Lord? What about other kinds of things-- she doesn't curse, so she must be a Christ-follower? He doesn't smoke or drink, so people should assume that he has the high moral standards set by the Almighty? Are we supposed to try and draw attention to ourselves for other people to witness what following God looks like?
To me this is all bollocks.

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Self-Control.

The days when I am feeling like I am walking closest with my God are the days when these characteristics, among other attitudes God's Word calls Christians to exhibit, are ruling in my life and when I am striving to follow Jesus's lifestyle and preaching. Although I find value in religious elements of my faith, rituals, traditions, and other physical reminders of my heritage as a Christian and the deeply rooted faith in which my forefathers and mothers lived and died, living as one who strives to be like Christ in my thoughts, prayers, words, and deeds is striving to live truly the way that Christ calls his followers to live.

I struggle so often feeling like I am not a good enough Christian and that others are of a deeper faith (or more shallow faith) because they put so much more emphasis upon the outward "signs" of a follower and the surface indications of a faith in the God of Israel. Truly, the Lord calls us away from judgment and to deeply examine only our own hearts and lives in order to live as an example to Christ-followers and non-believers alike.

The way God chooses to manifest himself in people's lives is going to look different from the outside, and only He can judge where someone's heart lies, although that doesn't excuse us from encouraging one another and addressing fellow believers when they need our support. I must trust that God's ways are higher than my own and that I cannot understand the ways he speaks to each one of us individually (inward general revelation, perhaps-- thank you Dr. Pak and Historic Christian Belief texts).

The only thing that matters for my own faith is that I seek God with all my heart, soul, and mind so that he can finish the good work he has begun in me, shaping me and molding me into someone who does, indeed, exhibit the characteristics of a woman who is following her God in that deep way. Even though I feel as though those godly characteristics are becoming more and more evident in my life as I seek to walk closer with God each day, I know that I, too, like all those I have observed, am still not perfect.

Almighty God is light. He lives in us as true light, and I'm gonna let it shine. I'm not gonna shine it, but I am gonna let it shine. 'Cause it will shine if I let it.

Have your way in me, Lord.

Amen.

With Imagination

"Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy."

The opening line of a book that I read so long ago that I can't remember when or if I ever actually read it. I bought the book off Amazon because I am working on completing my Shel Silverstein library, but this particular book has more of a story that those other cheaper used copies of the Giving Tree online. The description of this book on Amazon said that the book was in good condition, although it did have an inscription on the inside. I immediately decided I would buy the book-- a book with an inscription is clearly more interesting than one without.

The inscription reads:
"I have come to realize that you're the tree and myself-- the boy. So- I thank you and hope you do realize that there are a whole lot of soft spots in this heart for you.
-Me
P.S. Teach me to dance?"

This inscription gives the story of the Giving Tree an extra dimension, and every time I read the book, I will keep "you" and "me" in mind, rolling the inscription across the screen of my mind, always thinking about what the story behind it could be. Who were these people? Lovers? Great friends? Mother and son, father and daughter, teacher and student? What kind of story did those two people have? What kind of relationship did they share and what kinds of struggles did they face together?

I love that I don't know any of these things about "you" and "me." My mind freely wanders as my fingers turn each page and scan every illustration...

and the story is different every time I read.

You are the tree and I am the boy...teach me to dance...

People are weird. This country is weird.

Everyone is unique. All people are different. Diversity is beauty. Love all people despite their quirks and mistakes.

I feel like I have been directly taught these things since elementary school, even though I have been receiving an indirect education counter to the one I've officially received. I thought I loved people, but I have come to realize that really I choose the people I want to love, and the people I choose are the people that are honestly not that hard for me to love. I choose the easy way out. I don't condemn myself for this action because I think this is what people do. Some people are more selective about who they choose to love than others are, but ultimately, most people choose to love some and not to love others.

In working at an insurance agency, I see all kinds of people with all kinds of quirks and habits and lifestyles, to some of which I have a hard time relating. Today alone I have talked to people that don't know how to calm down and not sweat the small things, people who have a hard time putting others above their own interests, people who have speech problems, back problems, neck problems, drug problems, money problems, family problems, marriage problems, memory problems, social skill problems, etc. There are simply a lot of weird people; all people have problems, all people are failures in one area of our lives or another. We search and search for those other few areas (or area) in which we are successful so that we can hold ourselves higher than we hold other people. We see only our strengths and other people's weaknesses, and when others make a mistake, we treat it more harshly than we would treat ourselves if we had made that same mistake. What a harsh, judgmental nature we have.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about justice lately, justice alongside mercy and grace. I don't know that I have come to any conclusions, except that the collective human idea of justice is a very flawed one. Justice is self-entitlement, not truly accepting the consequences of our actions, which is I think is at least closer to what God's definition of justice would be than our current human definition. Think about law suits, insurance claims, even our concept of customer service when we visit restaurants and other businesses that were created to serve our "needs." It's kinda sickening.

Along similar lines, I want to reflect a little on my experience with being an American today. I don't feel like I jive with America so much. America is run like a corporation, or even a small business (like the insurance agency I work for)-- always saving face. Keep the level of professionalism and customer service as a high priority, even if it is not consistent with your actions. If it were any other way, the United States would be in over her head (moreso than she already is) and spread far too thin in dealing with foreign diplomacy and all other areas the "most powerful nation in the world" dabbles.

That's another thing-- the United States being the most powerful nation in the world is an illusion, and I wonder how long we have been fooling everyone else in this facade. The only power we have is the power to advance our own national interests, which is the same power that almost all the nations in the world have. Maybe we get more credit because we are younger and bigger than some, kind of like the star running back for the Superbowl champion team, or something. (I'm trying to fool you into thinking I know anything about football-- now that's an illusion fit for the Prestige! haha)

Anyway, (sort of a blanket conclusion here) I don't like the business world or things that are business like or run like a business is run. I won't like "business" unless it is reformed extremely. I also don't like the way American politics work, and I wish that I could do something about it. I always want to tell people that complain to stop complaining and to do something about it, but politics is a huge task to tackle, especially without some kind of degree in law, political science, philospohy, business, or even international studies (which is probably closer to the route I would take). If I took matters into my own hands right now, I could start building my own platform and administration with nepotism and my various lobbyist connections, then maybe by the time I am Obama's age, I can become president and turn this nation upside down.

On the other hand, maybe I'll stick with the underground approach: continue to learn to love quirky, annoying, difficult people, join in the greatly diverse fellowship of the universal church (God's true nation), and actively pursue the revolution of the Gospel in this corrupt excuse for a world.

Time to step off the soapbox, I think. Thanks for taking the time to read my rants! I hope this makes sense to people outside of my head (not that there are people inside of it...). Please offer your comments and questions as well. I want to keep learning and shaping my own opinions as I continue to grow up and live an adult-like life. :)

PS/Disclaimer-- I am very grateful that the United States is not a dictatorship from which I have to flee as a refugee or anything like that, I just wonder sometimes if accidentally wandering permanently into a socialist country in Europe might lead me to a life more in line with my ideologies. Don't tell Obama I said that.

Hollywood

"When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who's not their partner. It's really kind of gross."

--Megan Fox, "Mikaela Banes" in Transformers